The Seven Stages of Loving James Potter
by LovelyFlowerAK
Summary: Lily's been hit with an affliction, and she can't seem to shake it. One for a certain Gryffindor Head Boy. As Emmaline so eloquently put it, Lily is experiencing the Seven Stages of Falling for James Potter. Which is complete hogwash, of course. Except, as Lily and James grow close, she fears that Emmaline might be on to something...
1. Prologue

**Hey guys! Let me introduce you to my latest fic. Basically, I'm Jily trash and always will be. I hope you all like it! Reviews would be awesome :).**

 **Also, a note: If JKR didn't write HP, none of this would be possible. All credit to her.**

 **Enjoy!**

 **xxx x**

Prologue:

"Well, you know the five stages of Grief, right?" Emmaline asked the group.

"Not all of our parents are psychologists, Em." Alice reminded her. Emmaline huffed and flipped her long black hair over her sweater in exasperation.

"Ok, so there's five stages that each person goes through when they find out they're gonna bite it."

"Eloquently put." Lily muttered under her breath, arousing snickers from her friends. Emmaline ignored her.

"So that's a lot like how girls act when they fall for James. And boys for that matter. Only, ya know, instead of dying at the end..."

"They'll just wish they did instead?" Dorcas finished, a smirk on her face. Alice shoved her.

"Please Dora, he's not _that_ bad! He's always ever so nice to me and Frank, never takes points when he finds us snogging at night. That's better than _some_ can say." She directed a pointed glare at Lily.

"Hey! It's my job, and he should be following the rules. As Head Boy, Potter isn't allowed to play favorites." Lily said with a scowl.

"He let you skip Charms yesterday on account of 'Head Business.'" Emmaline reminded her. She snatched a piece of parchment that Lily was supposed to be writing her Potions essay on, and began to scribble a list.

"Well that was just so he could save his own skin!" Lily protested. "He owed me a favor for catching him smuggling Fanged Frizzbees into the common room and not reporting him."

"Seems like the two of you have been quite chummy since the start of term." Dorcas said curiously. "Turning over a new leaf?"

"Hardly." Lily snorted. "He's just Head Boy now, so we have to get along. And he's been doing all of his duties pretty well, to my immense surprise. So I'm cutting him a little slack."

"Still, last year, giving James Potter a little slack would be more unheard of than if Alice dumped Frank and ran off with Slughorn." Dorcas teased.

"I just cannot resist that mustache and bald spot." Alice said dreamily. The girls laughed. Suddenly Emmaline piped up.

"Done!" She cried triumphantly. "Here we have it, ladies." The girls peered down at the parchment in interest. Lily had to refrain from her eyes rolling out of her head at the title.

 _The Seven Stages of Falling for James Potter:_

 _Stage 1: Denial_

 _Stage 2: Anger_

 _Stage 3: Insomnia_

 _Stage 4: Bargaining_

 _Stage 5: Jealousy_

 _Stage 6: Depression_

 _Stage 7: Acceptance_

Lily snorted at Emmaline's carefully written list.

"Bargaining? Depression? Most girls who worship the ground Potter walks on seem far from depressed."

"Delusional maybe." Dorcas added with contempt.

"I'm serious guys, watch anyone who fancies James and you'll see one of these stages. Take Marlene for example."

They looked across the Great Hall to the Ravenclaw table, where Marlene McKinnon was currently sitting. She looked like she'd eaten a sour lemon or something.

"Poor girl is smack dab in the depression phase." Emmaline concluded solemnly. "She's just found out about Potter and that Sixth year Melissa Gellart going to Hogsmede together on Saturday, so she's in a right state of mourning."

"Yes, but she's been mad about Potter for ages." Lily pointed out. "That doesn't prove that these steps are really true."

" _Stages_ not steps, Lily. She's not a recovering addict or something." Emmaline said. Dorcas giggled.

"Why so defensive Vance? Are you forming a crush on one mop-headed Chaser as well?"

"Of course not. It would be like dating my cousin." Emmaline quipped. This was what she always said, as her and James were very close, ever since First Year. They'd both made the Quidditch team at the same time, and both were practically rabid about anything to do with the sport. They had a friendly competition going, since she was a Chaser for Ravenclaw, and he for Gryffindor. She's always stuck up for James when Lily or Dorcas would go on a tirade, and Lily treated their friendship with a begrudging respect. Just because she couldn't stand the git didn't mean she wasn't going to let her friends be around him. Though she hadn't the foggiest idea what the appeal of hanging out with him actually would be. Maybe Quidditch has just made Emma funny in the head.

"Some people can be friends with Potter without wanting to shag him." Alice agreed. Dorcas rolled her eyes.

"You're different, Ms. Dating the Person She'll Marry since Third Year." Alice gave a small smile and a blush. Dorcas pretended to vomit into her book bag.

"Oh! Here's another good example." Emmaline announced, getting their attention. She pointed at Holly LeDurand, a Fifth year in Gryffindor. She was down at the other end of the table, so the girls had to try and stare without looking too suspicious. Lily noticed the forceful way she held her pencil, as if it was about to snap. Her face was pinched into a glare most fearful as she ripped through the pages of one of her textbooks without pity.

"That's definitely the Anger Stage." Emmaline concluded.

"Well-spotted Em. I would've thought she just hated Transfiguration." Lily said sarcastically.

"How can you tell she's upset about James though?" Alice asked curiously.

"Just watch." Emmaline instructed. They did. Every so often, Holly's lips would form some angry muttering words they couldn't make out, but from just reading lips, Lily concluded that they looked very much like the phrase _stupid Potter_ over and over.

"Wow, maybe you aren't crazy about these steps after all." Dorcas said approvingly.

" _Stages,_ Dora. _Stages._ " Emmaline grinned.

"I didn't even know she liked Potter." Lily said thoughtfully.

"She's obviously just began to. That's why she's in the early stages, i.e. anger." Emmaline stated. She seemed very smug about her new theory.

"How did you even figure this out?" Alice asked.

"I'm just observant, I guess. Not to mention sharing a dorm with Marlene for seven years now has taught me a little about obsessions with James." The girls giggled.

"Well, speak of the Devil." Dorcas muttered. Lily turned her head to the front of the hall, as Potter and his friends came swaggering in.

She did have to say, James Potter was undeniably attractive. He had this pull, this charm, over most of the students in Hogwarts. His easy-going smile and untidy black hair gave him a rather puppy-dog cute appearance, while his body, toned from Quidditch, gave him the hotness appeal. Lily understood why girls swooned, but she herself would never get past his horrid arrogance and immaturity to let herself be one of them. Not to mention the git loved to torture her, at least Fifth and Sixth year he did. So far this year he'd seemed ready to put some past prattishness behind, a fact that confused Lily a bit, but she greatly appreciated. Maybe it was his new responsibility as Head Boy. But it was only a week into term, so who's to say his new, less repulsive attitude would last?

"Afternoon, girls." Potter greeted Lily and her friends, plopping down next to her. He was with his usual crew, the Marauders. Sirius Black looked like he'd just rolled out of bed, even though it was past noon. Peter seemed to be concentrating on his Potions notes, eyes anxiously skimming the pages, no doubt in stress of the upcoming test. And Remus Lupin was there as well, although with tired bags under his eyes and a pale sickly tint to his skin. Lily knew why this was, though her other friends did not.

"Wha's dis?" Sirius asked, mouth full of toast. He reached for the list curiously. Lily's eyes widened in horror. She would rather die on the spot than let James Potter know they were all talking about him in a 'falling for you' kind of way. Luckily, Dorcas snatched up the list before his crumb-filled fingers could reach.

"Didn't your mum ever tell you not to touch things that don't belong to you?" She asked testily. Lily let out a big breath of relief. Next to her she felt Emma shake with silent laughter.

"What's up your butt, Meadows?" Sirius asked causally, eyes still following the list as Dorcas shoved it hastily in her bag.

"Well, our lovely conversation was just interrupted by a couple of nosy prats, you see." She replied.

"What were you guys talking about?" James asked Lily, a kind look on his face. Lily tried hard not to blush.

"Er... Nothing really." She said lamely. He smiled at her for a second, hazel eyes alight with warmth, before he returned to his notes on Hinkypunks.

Now Lily was annoyed. Why had Potter been doing that lately? Acting like an actually decent human being to her? All of Fifth and Sixth year, he'd seemed to make it his mission to torture Lily as much as possible. If it wasn't the incessant pleas for her to go out with him, it was constant teasing and pranking of her. She knew the flirting was all just a game to him, as Potter's apparent crush hadn't stopped him from dating other girls from time to time. But the pranking was downright infuriating. There wasn't much she could do in forms of retaliation, as she was a Prefect then. But she got him back a couple times, memories that brought her immense satisfaction.

However, all that seemed to change this year. James Potter had gotten on the train this year seemingly ready to take his new role as Head Boy seriously. He'd been nothing but respectful to Lily in their first Head's meeting, not even teasing her on how strict the rules would be this year. (They had to be, with all the unrest outside the walls and now within.) He was nothing but kind to Lily, offering to pick up extra rounds if she was too tired, and letting her teach him how to do the paperwork properly. Sure, he was still very cocky out on the Quidditch field, especially now that he was captain of Gryffindor. But that wasn't a bother to Lily, because you _needed_ confidence to be a good leader, and that was what James was being. This realization made her jump a bit in her seat.

"Something wrong Evans?" James asked next to her, a teasing smirk on his lips. She narrowed her green eyes.

"Did you finish the Hogsmede schedule for October?" She accused.

"Yep, and for November too." He said. Lily deflated a bit. Damn. She really wanted to give him a good yelling for some reason.

"Oh, um, well, good job then." She said awkwardly.

"Thanks Lils." He flashed a smile.

"Lils?" She frowned. "Only my friends call me that." James's grin faltered.

"Oh, yeah...Well, is that ok? I-I figured since we've been getting along better..." He stuttered. Lily had never seen him so ruffled. It was a bit enduring.

"No, it's fine." She chuckled. "Don't work yourself into a snit." James scowled, making her laugh harder. If she was paying attention, she would've seen a very meaningful look shared by Alice and Emmaline at their exchange.

"Well ladies, is it time for Divination?" Dorcas asked pointedly, interrupting their conversation.

"I'll see you tonight for our meeting with McGonagall." Lily called over her shoulder to James, as she picked her books up and walked away. He gave her an enthusiastic wave, smiling big.

"I don't need Divination to make this prediction." Emmaline whispered, out of Lily's earshot. "Something tells me we're going to see my Seven Stages put into action very soon."

XX X XX X XX X XX X XX X XX X XX X XX X X XX X XX X XX X

A couple weeks later, Lily was running down the halls as fast as she could.

"Shit, damn, bugger!" She muttered to herself. Unfortunately, her tirade of swears was overheard by a group of first years, who seemed ready to faint as she breezed past them in haste.

"Merlin, let it be known that when I find Dorcas Meadows I will absolutely kill her." Lily promised. Dorcas had turned off Lily's alarm yesterday, complaining of the annoying noise. Lily had argued that the noise was the entire _point_ of an alarm, but Dorcas had shut it off anyway. And Lily forgot to turn it back on this morning, meaning she'd woken up with a solid seven minutes to get to Transfiguration.

Speeding down the halls, Lily caught a reflection of herself in a window. She couldn't help but giggle a bit. Her bedhead was still wild and untamable from sleep, making it appear as if she had a bright red bird's nest on the top of her head. Her shirt was untucked and sweater half-on. She'd forgotten her robes completely. She checked her watch as she ran.

"Dammit!" She shouted. She had two minutes, and the class was on the other side of the castle. Usually she wouldn't be such a swearing wreck, as to set a good example for younger students. But these were extreme circumstances. McGonagall was notoriously strict on tardiness. Last time someone was late to her class it was Peter, and she'd given him such a sound verbal beating, he'd broken down in tears. Lily did _not_ want to be subjected to that.

Suddenly a strong pair of hands grabbed her from behind what she thought was just a portrait of manticores prancing through a field. Lily let out a strangled shriek and toppled into a hidden corridor. A rough finger was held up to her lips.

"Quiet now, Evans! I don't want Filch finding this one too." The unmistakable whisper of James Potter floated through the air. Lily picked herself up off the ground, annoyed.

"What the bloody hell are you doing Potter?" She snapped. "I'm extremely-"

"-Late. I know." He finished. She glared at him.

"Well if you know that then you'd also know that I will absolutely kill anyone who delays my route to class more than it already is." She snapped. To her immense annoyance, Potter smirked.

"Seems like my life shall be spared then." He said mildly. "Follow me." Grabbing her hand, he pulled Lily forward through the darkness. Lily couldn't help but jump at the feeling of his strong hand encircling hers. It was as if an electric shock went through her body. Probably because she'd have never allowed Potter to grab her hand before this year, maybe even before a few days ago. But now, given their circumstances...

"Are you going to tell me where you're taking me?" She asked testily.

"Ever the patient one, are we?" He shot back, chuckling.

"Come _on_ James." Lily said. "You know I'd normally play along, but right now is different."

"Would you normally play along?" He asked curiously. Lily felt her cheeks grow hot, eternally grateful for the darkness of the passageway.

"Well, honestly I'd say no. Definitely not last year, at least. But now that we're sort of..."

"Friends?" He filled in for her. Lily could hear the amusement in his voice.

"Yes. Friends." She said breezily, trying not to make a big deal out of it. "Now, I'd say yes, I think I would normally play along."

"But today's different." He intoned.

"Yes! Because I'm late!" She said, exasperated at his antics. "And you are too, not that you probably _care_."

"Hey. When have I been late to class this year?" James asked defensively. Lily wracked her brains. In the past years Potter would swagger into class whenever he liked, turning on the charm and giving some bullshit excuse to the professors. It used to make her skin crawl. But this year? There must be some instance she could think of. After a minute or so, she sighed in defeat.

"Well... Maybe not this year..." She mused.

"See? I've been a perfect angel." He said smugly.

"Perfect angel my arse." Lily muttered. They lapsed into silence. Lily realized how odd it was to be in the pitch black, James Potter leading her blindly into the unknown by the hand. She could hear his breathing, uncomfortably close to her. His fingers were calloused and warm, but not too warm. She hoped her palm wasn't sweaty.

"And, here we are." He said dramatically, as he halted to a stop. Lily bumped into him a bit, apologizing and feeling very flustered.

"So where is _here?_ " She asked scathingly.

"Class." James said simply, opening a tapestry in front of them up with a flick of his wand. Across the corridor was McGonagall's room.

"Impressive Potter." Lily said begrudgingly, "Too bad we're still late! That walk would've taken ten minutes at least." Lily huffed, stepping out of the passageway.

"Look at your watch." James said, grinning. Lily looked down and gasped. They still had one minute to spare. James laughed at her bemusement.

"Hogwarts' magic sure can come in handy sometimes." He chuckled.

"How..." Lily whispered. She looked up at James, and grinned.

"Thanks Potter. You really got me out of a pickle there."

"It's my pleasure, as I was able to witness your spectacular hair before you put it up." He teased. She shoved him, and waved her wand over her head, setting a charm on her red locks. She tried to ignore the stirrings of embarrassment and something else that was unidentifiable in her stomach.

"How did you know I was there, anyway?" She asked. It was true that James had really came out of nowhere to save her arse.

"Oh, Evans. A magician never reveals his secrets." James said with a wink, and turned to enter the class. He left Lily standing in the hall, confused and flabbergasted. Then the ringing bell jolted her into action, and she too entered the class.

That night, Lily and James were by the fire, working on the Prefect's schedules together. Lily had grown to enjoy their nightly meetings, as her and James were getting more comfortable around each other. Emmaline and Alice seemed delighted that the two were growing closer, but Dorcas seemed reproachful. It was true that Lily hadn't gone on even one rant about James Potter this year, which was quite the record (the last record being thirteen minutes into term, Second Year). It was almost October, and James hadn't given her one opportunity to be disappointed. He was truly fit for the Head Boy position, taking this new leadership in stride. James and Lily became a good team, save from a couple quarrels on how strict or lenient to be (The latter wanting fair punishments, the former demanding slack to be given at times.) They kept each other in line, in balance, and Lily was pretty surprised in herself, but she had begun to think of James as kind of a friend. Not that she'd admit that to anyone. Except she did today, to James...

Wrapped up in her thoughts, she didn't realize when she closed her eyes. Her quill, still wet with ink, slipped through her fingers. The fire was so warm, and she was so exhausted from doing rounds all week. Before Lily could help herself, she drifted off into sleep.

 _Dark mist swirled around her. Lily blinked, surveying her surroundings. It was the forest behind her house back home. How strange. Lights flickered around the pines, it seemed like fairies dancing through the floating fog, guiding her somewhere. Once she passed the pricks of light, they'd blink out. It was deadly dark behind her, making the hair on the back of her neck prickle. Some part of her knew not to look back, but she couldn't help it. A sinister shadow was moving fluidly towards her, making her ears ring and heart pound in fear. She couldn't let it get her, or something bad would happen. Lily turned and followed the flickering lights through the trees. She tried to run, but her legs felt full of sand. Her breathing quickened, and she wanted to scream in fear. But her mouth was unable to open. The lights were shining brighter and brighter in front of her, but the shadows were right on her heels. She leapt through the brush in terror, stumbling and falling._

 _But she wasn't caught by the sinister creature. Somehow, the beast had vanished. Instead she looked up into the warm hazel eyes of James Potter._

 _"You had quite a spill there Lils." He said. He was smiling at her as if she radiated light herself. His strong calloused hands lifted her to her feet. Lily looked around. They were in a clearing, filled with the glowing balls of light, flickering like lanterns. There was no monster in sight._

 _"That thing that was after me-" Lily gasped in panic. James took a hand to cup her cheek._

 _"I took care of it. You never have to worry again. I'll always be there to protect you."_

 _"You will?" Lily asked softly, like a little kid needing assurance._

 _"Of course, love." He said gently._

 _She lifted a shaking hand to his face. James was smiling expectantly as she threaded her fingers delicately through his hair. She ran her hands down the back of his neck, his silky black locks tickling her fingers. Suddenly she realized James was shirtless._

 _"This isn't a problem, is it?" He asked her, as if he was reading her mind._

 _"No, it's not." She murmured. Her hands glided down his back. He pulled her closer, and she felt her pulse quicken, though in a much different way than before._

 _"You're mine." He whispered to her. She looked into his eyes, full of longing and happiness. She desperately wanted to fall into them completely._

 _"Yes." She whispered back. "I'm yours."_

 _Their lips were almost touching. Lily felt a hunger inside her, a strong desire. She wanted to kiss James Potter._

 _"Lily." He said. And then louder. "Lily?"_

"Lils?"

Lily's eyes flew open. The world was blurry for a second, but they came into focus, landing on James's soft hazel ones as he stood over her. They were not in the forest behind her house, but in the Gryffindor Common room. She jumped in surprise and he chuckled.

"Sorry for waking you." He said softly, grinning. "I regret not taking a picture first though. Your drooling would've been some decent blackmail material."

Lily struggled to steady her breathing. That dream.. Her and James... She didn't want to think about it. Especially when Potter, the _real_ Potter, was standing over here.

"How long have I been asleep?" She asked him gruffly.

"A couple hours I'd say." He commented, "I was going to wake you for your rounds, but you looked so peaceful. So I just did them, got back five minutes ago."

"Oh no!" Lily smacked her hand against her head. "I missed rounds." She looked at James, who was smirking crookedly. "You didn't have to do that for me, you know." She said, somewhat accusatorially.

"I know." He shrugged. "But I did it anyway. And you're welcome."

"Right. Thanks James." Lily said, now softened. He grinned.

"Don't worry about it. The only trouble I ran into was two Slytherins who almost had their tongues stuck together." Lily laughed softly with him. She looked around, yawning hugely. The fire in the common room was down to glowing embers. The only person left in the room was a fifth year, Ann Bell, asleep on a pile of books. Lily noticed her own stack of papers, scattered in front of her.

"Drat! I still have so much to do." She grumped. Her stupid nap left her with a mountain of Head's paperwork to complete.

"Let me." James said forcefully. His hand brushed hers as they picked up papers, sending shivers down her arm. Lily blinked, confused.

"Why do you want to help me so much?" She asked bluntly. James looked at her, a seriousness that she'd never really seen before on his face. Usually his eyes were full of mischief or cockiness, but now they were hard.

"I want to help because we're friends now. And that's what friends do. Help each-other." He said firmly. His sincerity shook Lily to her core. She'd never seen James so serious about something before.

"Okay." Was all she could think to reply. James gave her a small smile, then turned to busy himself with the papers. Lily got up stiffly, stretching her muscles that had become sore from her awkward sleeping position. She gathered her books, and turned to look at James one last time before she went up the stairs to the Girls' tower.

"James?" She called softly. He looked up, eyes meeting hers. His face seemed to be glowing softly in the fire light.

"I'm glad we became friends." She said. James gave her a crooked grin.

"Me too Evans. Me too."

She bade him goodnight and trudged up the stairs. Her mind was filled with the stresses of homework she put off tonight. She crept into her room, across the hall from the dorm she'd been in her entire life. As Head Girl, she got her own room. She loved the huge comfy bed, but it also got lonely. She'd never had her own room before this, either sharing with Petunia at home or with her friends here at school. She knew James had his own room somewhere too, but didn't know where. She wondered briefly if his bed was as soft as hers.

From there her mind wandered back to James. His face was so soft and vulnerable before. Usually she'd see it guarded in a mask of arrogance. Although there was no denying, he'd changed this year. Her eyes drifted shut, thoughts of James swirling in her head. She tried not to think of her dream earlier, blaming it on lack of sleep. Instead she thought of how he'd helped her not once, not twice, but _three_ times today. And he didn't ask for anything in return. It was thoughtful and kind, and so unlike the James Potter she thought she knew. She thought back to earlier today, when he pulled her through that tapestry. She'd almost screamed, then he was there. The thought made her smile, and not just smile, but smile _hard._ Like so hard she thought her cheeks would go numb.

Then it hit her. The realization hit her so forcefully she actually shot up in bed, eyes wide.

"Oh, no." She whispered.


	2. Chapter 1: Denial

**Hi guys! Just a reminder to REVIEW! I also figured out that there's a lot of fics similar to this, which is kind of a bummer. But hey, it's a fun concept! I'm not surprised that variations of this have been done before. Hopefully mine is still unique and such.**

 **XOXO**

Stage 1: Denial-

The next morning, a loud screeching sound shocked Lily into consciousness. It was coming from the room across the hall. Was something wrong? Lily slid on her slippers and hurried to her old room. It was just as she remembered it, except there was an extra closet where her bed used to be. And there was the most annoying noise emanating from around Dorcas's bed.

"What the hell is that?" Dorcas groaned next to her. Lily let out a breath, a smile spreading across her face.

"That, my dear, is payback." She said. She'd charmed her alarm clock to float above Dorcas's head and she enhanced the volume tenfold.

"Shut it off!" Dorcas cried. The other girls were stirring, grumbling at the disturbance.

"You have to! It's part of the charm!" Lily giggled in glee. Like a breaching whale, Dorcas pounced on the floating clock, taking it down in a flurry of sheets. Once it stopped, the silence was almost just as shocking.

"Thank Merlin." Dorcas sighed. She glared at Lily. "You're one piece of work for doing this to me on a _Saturday_."

"The punishment fits the crime." Lily shrugged. Dorcas fell back into bed with a huff. The room was silent once more. Grinning, Lily shuffled back to her room, a sense of justice instilled in her.

Lily laid back in her bed. She tossed and turned all night, until finally succumbing to a dreamless sleep. The result left her groggy and sleep-deprived. She must be reaching a new level of eye bags.

She'd just gotten cosy, fluffing her pillows around her and sinking into a cloud of blankets. When last night's events came rushing back to her.

"Noooo." She groaned. The only way she'd gotten to sleep was convincing herself these weird _feelings_ would pass by morning. But, much to her dismay, they were still there. It felt as if an elephant was sitting on her chest. There was no chance of falling back to sleep anymore. Lily shot up, pacing the floor.

"This isn't happening, it isn't, it isn't." She muttered feverishly. Spotting some parchment, she strode over to her desk, beginning to write frantically.

 _Lily, this is as list of reasons why you won't EVER like James Potter:_

 _1\. He threw your favorite book in the Black Lake when you said you didn't like his hair in Second Year. Not only does this demonstrate his lack of culture for good literature, but he's disrespectful to others' property. And he laughed at you when you jumped in after it._

 _2\. He always messes up his hair to make it look 'cool'. Instead he just looks like he has a Wrackspurt problem._

 _3\. He hexes First Years for fun. Well, he doesn't anymore, but the fact that he DID makes him a slimy git._

 _4\. Girls follow him around like lovesick puppies and he always breaks their hearts. ALWAYS._

 _5\. Not that you'd ever follow him around like a lovesick puppy. You're Lily Evans! You have standards for God's sakes!_

 _6\. He's a dumb jock and his, admittedly, decent Quidditch skills have inflated his head to the size of a small planet._

 _7\. Well, he's not a_ dumb _jock, but a jock nonetheless!_

 _8\. Whenever he beats you at a test he always does that stupid dance. You know the one, where he wiggles his butt and tries to do a handstand._

 _9\. He can't even do a proper handstand! He always looks like a fool when he tries. You think a Quidditch god like James Potter could at least take the time to learn how to properly execute a handstand._

 _10\. The end of Fifth Year. When Severus stopped being your friend. It definitely wasn't Potter's fault, but he was still a huge git about it._

 _11\. Until he hunted you down with the largest Honeyduke's care package you've ever seen to apologize... Then he wasn't a git... That was actually very sweet._

 _12\. Focus Evans! THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN LIKE JAMES BLOODY POTTER._

Lily slammed down her quill in a disbelief. No. It just wasn't true. It wasn't. She was delirious from lack of sleep. She'd been charmed by how nice he'd been the past couple weeks. They were friends now, nothing more. That's it.

"I'm going to go down stairs, eat some breakfast, and not think about Potter for the rest of the day." She announced.

"That's nice dear, but I highly doubt it..." Her mirror commented snidely. Lily scowled.

x xx x xx x xxx x x xxx x xx xxx

Lily picked at her food, not hungry for some reason. Barely anyone was down at the Great Hall yet, as it was 7 am on a Saturday. Normally, Lily would have liked some alone time with her thoughts. But today, she was doing anything she could _not_ to think.

"Evans!" A sleepy voice called. Sirius Black plopped down next to her.

"Why the hell are you up so early?" She asked sourly.

"A lovely morning to you too." Sirius replied sarcastically.

Lily huffed, and went back to picking at her oatmeal. Sirius opened a Daily Prophet, humming cheerily. She couldn't help but sense a slight awkwardness between them. It wasn't as if the two didn't get along, they just really haven't talked much before. Sirius was always with James, and as Lily had made it her mission to avoid James as much as possible for the last six years, they'd barely interacted. She always regarded him with the same annoyance she regarded James, as the two were almost always partners in crime.

"So," Sirius said conversationally "Come up with any interesting theories lately?"

Lily looked up, startled out of her funk.

"What are you talking about?" She asked him shrewdly. Sirius grinned wolfishly, and Lily had a sinking feeling that she knew exactly what he was talking about.

"I may have happened to come across this gem yesterday." He said smugly, holding up a crinkled piece of parchmet. Lily made out Emmaline's loopy handwriting, and the title.

"Give that over." She said hotly, reaching up to grab it. But Sirius was too quick, pullling it out of her grasp at the last second.

"Nah-uh Red. You'll get this masterpiece back over my dead body." Sirius said gleefully as Lily kept swatting for the parchment. Annoyance was mounting in her stomach each time he dodged her.

"Black, don't make me take points." She threatened.

"Like you'd have any grounds to." He quipped. Lily sighed, about to tear her hair out.

"Just please, _please,_ don't tell Potter about this." She said.

"Is the famous Lily Evans _begging_ me right now?" Sirius asked smugly. The look on his face confirmed Lily's fears, that he was most definately planning on showing James. Finally, she turned to walk away.

"Didn't think you'd give up that quickly." Sirius commented, but she ignored him. Lily walked a couple steps before turning on her heels and charging him. Sirius, unaware, had gone back to the paper. With a battle cry, Lily tackled him full force. Orange juice and silverware went flying.

"Geroff me Evans! What's your problem?" Sirius cried. They were wrestling on the bench, and Lily sucessfully pulled the parchment out of his grasp.

"Gotcha!" Lily cried triumphantly. The parchment, now considerably more wrinkled, was in her fist. Lily had milk down her front and oatmeal in her hair, but she had won.

"You're batshit crazy Evans, has anyone ever told you that?" Sirius asked from the floor. He also had various breakfast foods splattered across his face. But he wasn't angry, no. He actually seemed impressed. Lily smirked.

"You haven't seen anything yet, Black." She said, and sauntered off. Sirius chuckled lowly.

"No wonder Prongs is crazy about her." He muttered to himself.

xx x xx x xx x xx x xx x x xx x xx x xx x xx x xx x xx x xx x x xx

"In short, I saved your arses." Lily concluded, grinning.

"And we are eternally greatful." Dorcas said, rolling her eyes.

"How'd he even get that, anyway?" Alice pondered. Lily shrugged, not noticing Dorcas's face getting pink. In fact, none of the girls did.

"So, Lils, why in Merlin's name were you up at Seven in the morning, again?" Alice asked. "I've never known you to arise earlier than ten on a weekend."

"Couldn't sleep." Lily murmured, hoping they'd drop it. Alice looked at her curiously, but said nothing.

"So James did all your work for you last night? See, I told you he's not a bad guy." Emmaline walked up to them, setting her books down.

"Probably just to get you to do something for him later." Dorcas commented snidely. Emma ignored her.

"Earth to Lily!" She called. In reality, the redhead had been pretending not to hear her. She met her friend's brown-eyed gaze with what she hoped was indifference.

"Yeah, it was nice. Still doesn't excuse the totally unfair amount of work we get as Heads." Lily hoped changing the subject would distract her, but Emmaline wasn't so easily swayed.

"He said he found you drooling all over your paperwork." She giggled.

"That prat." Lily scowled. But a small grin tugged at her lips. _Stop it Lily!_

 _"_ So the two of you have been getting along better?" Alice asked.

"Well not _better._ This is the first time we've gotten along _ever._ " Lily corrected. "There was a time not long ago where I wanted to throw him off the Astronomy Tower every time he directed that cocky grin my way."

"Well, what changed? Why don't you have homicidal urges anymore?" Lily groaned inwardly. Why the interrogaton on Potter today? It was as if the Universe was trying to punish her or something.

"I don't know Alice, maybe he's deflated his gigantic head a bit?" She asked, peeved. "Maybe a bludger hit him too hard in practice and knocked a bit of compassion into him."

"Well, that's a bit harsh." Emmaline reasoned. "James has always been a decent guy."

"When he was hexing kids for the fun of it? When he tormented my former best friend?" Lily asked, heat rising in her cheeks. The girls were silent, sensing Lily's need desire to drop the subject.

"She's right." Dorcas said. "Potter has been nothing but awful to Lily. Now that he's somehow grown a conscience doesn't mean he's a saint or anything." Lily smiled greatfully at her friend. She gave a sassy flip of her short brown curls, making the girls giggle. Tensions dissappated, they began to chat about other things, much to Lily's pleasure. Now she could finally work on her goal of not thinking about _him_ for the rest of the day.

But, as if fate itself was trying to screw her over, Lily glanced at the first step on Emmaline's little list. _Step 1: Denial._ And somehwere in the back of her head told her that this could be quite such.

xx xx x x

"...And then we were about to kiss, and I woke up." Lily finished. She couldn't look Alice in the eye the entire time she told her story about the dream. Now she stared at her friend. Her jaw was dropped, piercing blue eyes widened.

"It's that bad, huh?" Lily asked. Alice snapped out of it.

"No, of course not Lily. People have weird dreams all the time. Hell, last week I had a dream that Benjy Fenwick gave me edible underware."

Lily giggled. "Should Frank be worried?" She asked. Alice shoved her.

"Of course not dummy. And that's my point! Weird dreams happen. If you don't think it meant anything, then it didn't." She said.

Lily grinned. She knew Alice would make her feel better. Emmaline would've been smug, and Dorcas would've been upset, had she divulged this secret to them. But Alice was always understanding, always knew exactly what to say to lift Lily's spirits.

"You're right. I'm probably just becoming mad from spending all that time with him." Lily said. Alice clapped her on the shoulder.

"Did you know Hufflepuff is having a party next weekend?" She asked.

"No. Who would tell the Head Girl that?" Lily quipped. Alice giggled.

"Well, maybe we could go for a bit, if that isn't too against the law for you to do."

"We'll see." Lily smiled softly.

Turns out the Hufflepuff party was the big news around the school. They were having it for no reason whatsoever, other than to get drunk and make poor decisions. This made Lily roll her eyes, but she decided it would be good to talk to James and decide if any monitoring should take place. It would be one of their first big decisions as Heads together.

And here she was, still thinking about _him!_

 _"_ No, no, no." Lily muttered forcefully.

"No what?" Alice asked, looking up from her notes.

"No, I don't want to kiss him." Lily said, and then gasped in shock. It had just slipped out. Alice had an infruiatingly smug grin on her face.

"If you say anything, I swear you will 'mysteriously disappear' by tomorrow night." Lily threatened.

"Okay." Alice said, rolling her eyes.

xx x xx x xx x xxxx x x xx x xx x xx x xx x x xxx x xx xx

So far this week, this denial thing was working pretty well. Not that she was in denial. She wasn't. That didn't mean that Lily hadn't taken some extra precautions to prevent any more of these bizzare feelings to bubble up. This week, Lily had been the most excellent student. Any time a certian black-haired boy bothered her in class, she just paid extra interest to the lecture. And if class was over, she sped off to the library. James Potter walking into the library was like a vampire walking into the sunlight. It just didn't happen. So she knew she was safe. Not that she was scared of talking to him, that was absurd. Lily just needed to focus on her studies.

She basked in patches of sun, sprawled out with a pile of books. It was a lovely day, so she took the risk to lounge outside instead of hole up in the library. She was pretty sure Potter was in Quidditch practice anyway. (Not that she memorized his practice schedule or anything. She's not _that_ insane.) Letting out a content sigh, Lily hung her toes in the water of the Black Lake. She was under her favorite tree, watching the Giant Squid play its tentacles across the water. She hasn't felt this happy all week.

"So, heard you were avoiding James." Remus's voice called from behind her. Her heart sank. So much for relaxation.

"I'm not avoiding him." She said stubbornly. "We never hung out in the first place. How is this any different?"

"Lily, be serious." Remus sighed, plopping down next to her. His complexion was much healthier now, and he looked less worn out. But Lily couldn't help but notice an angry red scar trailing down his forearm. Lily ran a finger over it.

"That's new." She commented.

"It was a rough full moon." Remus said, shrugging. "But don't you change the subject."

"What, I can't show concern for my friend?" Lily asked innocently. Remus's expression didn't budge.

"Okay! So I've been avoiding him." She sighed in defeat. "But I've been avoiding everybody. All this week I was in the library every chance I had."

"And why is that? I thought it was a pretty lenient week homework-wise." Remus said, frowning.

"Well, I've started on NEWT prep." She lied. Remus laughed in disbelief.

"Lily, that's insane. It's the first week of October! _I_ haven't even started yet." Lily gave him a wicked grin.

"That, my friend, is why I'm kicking your arse in Potions, Charms, _and_ Arithmancy." Remus shoved her playfully, but his eyes still looked concerned.

"So. There's nothing else bothering you." He said flatly.

"Nothing." She replied with a smile.

"You promise?" He asked. Lily, the ever truthful one, had to restrain from telling him everything. It would only make this whole mess more real.

"I promise, Remus." She lied.

It was at that time that a chorus of shouts rang from across the lake. Lily whipped her head around to see what the commotion was about, and immediately wished she hadn't. It was Potter and his Quidditch buddies. The entire Gryffindor team was running into the lake, some ripping off pieces of clothing, others diving in with everything on. Unfortunately, Potter had decided to opt for no shirt.

Lily scoffed. "Bloody morons. They'll freeze."

"It's like an initiation thing I think." Remus commented. Lily snorted.

"What initiation? Proving who the biggest idiot is?" She said acidly. Remus chuckled. Potter noticed the two on the other shore, and waved his arm wildly. Lily couldn't help but giggle as Frank Longbottom dunked him under.

"You know, the only time I saw you smile at James before this year was when Sirius accidentally set his hair on fire."

"To be fair, it _was_ funny when Slughorn tried to put it out and smacked him with his cauldron." She pointed out.

"Still, Lils. You guys are actually friends now. That's crazy." Remus said.

"I guess. It _is_ nice not having to spend all my free time yelling at him." Lily said sarcastically.

"Why can't you admit it?" Remus asked. "Why can't you just say you two are friends?" Lily felt backed into a corner. What was wrong with the universe this week?

"Remus-" She started, before footsteps neared. Thank God. Lily looked back, ready for the distraction. But the distraction came in the form of James Potter. Great.

"Hey Lils, can we talk?" He asked, one hand behind his head. His black hair was slick and damp, and it poked out untidily. Lily tried not to let her heart go into overdrive.

"Sure." She said casually.

The two walked together, up to the castle.

"Have you been ok?" James asked her suddenly. She looked up in surprise. James's cheeks were a bit pink, but his hazel eyes were sincere.

"What? Why?" She asked.

"Oh, I don't know. I guess I just haven't seen you a lot this week." The worry in his voice softened in resolve. She looked at him.

"I've just been busy. Don't fret about me." She smiled softly.

"I'm not fretting Evans. It's just weird not having you bossing me around all the time." He teased. She giggled. Then, she tried not to think of how last year if he teased her like that she'd be ready to hex his ears off and now she was playing along.

"Speaking of bossing, we should discuss what to do about that Hufflepuff party tonight." She said, taking a formal tone. James noticed her change in demeanor, and went into Head Boy mode.

"Definitely. I was thinking curfew extended to eleven, and if anyone pukes we shut it down?" He looked at her for her opinion.

"That's a really good idea, actually." Lily said, mildly surprised. This suggestion was much more responsible than Lily was used to. Most of the time, James was the 'stay out till the break of dawn' type.

"Thanks." James smiled, ears a bit pink. It was cute. Lily shook herself. Dammit!

"So, are you going?" Lily asked. Why would she ask? "I mean, um, we should go. Both of us. To watch everyone, you know?" She rambled on, mentally kicking herself.

"Yeah, we should." James replied easily, thankfully not noticing her awkwardness.

"Great, I'll see you later then?" Lily asked. He nodded and waved. Lily tried not to sprint.

"What is the matter with you?" She asked herself as she hurried off.

That night, Lily was in her old room, in a blizzard of eyeshadow, hairspray, and powder. The girls were in a full party preparation frenzy. Dorcas, Alice, and Lily were crammed on Alice's bed, doing each-other's hair. The other Gryffindor Seventh years were Beth Hooper and Mary McDonald. They were nice girls, but Lily just didn't know them as well. But they were all in some sort of female understanding to make each other look as beautiful as possible.

"Lily, can I use your silver eyeshadow?" Mary cried in a panic.

"Of course, it's in my room. On top of the dresser!" She waved her hand.

"Thanks! It's gonna match perfectly with this top." Mary grinned, hurrying off.

"Lil, your hair is now perfect." Dorcas announced. "Next on the list, eyebrows."

Lily hopped off the bed, checking her hair in the mirror. She did look pretty good, she had to admit. Her copper hair was styled into sleek curls, pulled up in a golden ribbon. She was wearing a green top and jeans. Something picked at the back of her brain. What was it.

"How long is that list you have Dora?" Alice asked, amused.

And then Lily froze. The list! The one she'd written a week ago, it was still on her desk! That list had cringe-worthy information on it, not to mention her written debate on liking James Bloody Potter! And Mary had just went in her room to get makeup... Oh Merlin this is bad. Lily would be toast if Mary found it. She'd get shit from her friends till she died. And if James found out... As if on cue, Mary walked in, a frown on her face.

"Lily, care to tell me what's going on?" She asked. Lily blanched. She begged to whoever was out there that Mary was somehow struck down with muteness so she couldn't utter the next words. She stared intently at the floor, hoping she could just disappear on the spot.

"What is this?" Mary asked. The girls gasped, and Lily looked up, cringing. But it wasn't the list. It was a book.

" _Fifteen_ _Steps to Becoming Normal: A Guide to Function in Society for the Unusual and Strange?"_ Dorcas read aloud. They all looked Lily with concern, but she laughed.

"Oh man. Don't worry about that." Lily giggled. "It was Petunia's gift to me last Christmas, some misguided attempt to try and connect." The tension disappeared, and Lily was flooded with relief. They then continued to get ready.

She wanted to wear her Head Girl badge, but Dorcas vetoed that.

"Don't worry, no one's going to forget in the two hours you aren't wearing it." She said, yanking the pin off her chest.

"But what if someone needs my assistance?" Lily whined. But Lily was in much higher spirits now, as the relief of not being found out overcame her. She'd have to burn that list as soon as she got back tonight. They were to meet Emmaline and Marlene by the kitchens soon. Dorcas, who was one of the tallest girls in Hogwarts, added to her height with a sharp pair of black heels. She'd kept her brown curls down and opted for a dress instead of jeans. Mary and Beth both looked adorable as well. Alice came out of the bathroom, placing her final pin in her short hair, and they were off. They came across Emmaline and Marlene, both looking very stylish, and entered the party.

"I'm heading to the alcohol." Marlene announced. Lily gave Emmaline a look.

"She's trying to drown her sorrows in drink." She explained. "Stage six has hit that girl hard."

"Which one was that again, uncontrollable bladder?" Lily asked sarcastically.

The party was much more exciting than Lily had anticipated. Apparently the Hufflepuffs were seasoned professionals. There was a large area cleared for students to dance, and a table laden almost to the breaking point with alcohol. This made Lily a bit uneasy as to what a Head Girl would permit, but she decided to wait till Potter got there to make any executive decisions. Lily sat in the corner, a butterbeer in her hand, tapping a foot to the music. She surveyed the party, content to be on the sidelines for now. She tried not to glance at the entrance expectantly each time it opened, but a half hour in her neck was cramping from how often she'd looked. She reasoned that her anticipation was just because she wanted the Head Boy with her in case anything got out of hand.

"Looking for James?" Marlene asked bluntly, sitting down next to her. She had her heels in one hand, a glass of firewhiskey in the other.

"Potter?" Lily snorted. "You must be drunker than I thought." But Marlene seemed to see through her.

"I know how it feels Lily. I mean Merlin, last time James even sat by me I almost hyperventilated."

"But I'm not-" Lily stopped. She was going to say _desperate,_ but that would be terribly cruel to Marlene. She didn't know the girl incredibly well, but Marlene had never been anything but nice to her. Unfortunately, the look on her face told Lily she'd guessed anyway.

"Don't worry Lily, I know how crazy I seem all the time. Some guys just have that effect on you, ya know? Like you lose all sanity whenever they're within a certain range." She joked. Lily smiled and nodded, though she didn't know that feeling. Not really, anyway.

"Why do you like him so much?" Lily asked. She'd meant it to come off as a joke, but it was an honest question.

"I think you may know that for yourself, don't you?" Marlene asked her cryptically. Lily blinked, at a complete loss of how to respond.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." Marlene grinned. With that, she gave her a pat on the shoulder, and went to refill glass.

"Crazy drunkard." Lily muttered to herself, but her insides were knotting painfully. Trying to push those feelings away, Lily decided that she needed another drink herself.

Lily was feeling fuzzy. She was now on her second glass of firewhiskey, sitting on the couch. She kept smiling and laughing at _everything_ even when John Huxely told her the world's lamest joke about a veela and a hag. Actually, John Huxely wouldn't leave her alone. It was a bit annoying. She _clearly_ wanted to be alone, so she could watch the people dancing and giggle in peace. If she was in a better mental state, she might've suspected John to be flirting with her, but he was probably just being nice.

"Where are you Potter?" She muttered at one point. Fashionably late was one thing, but two hours late? Not that she cared. She just wanted him to come and help her as a Head Boy.

"Would you like to dance?" Huxely asked? She waved him off politely.

"Come on Evans, rejecting Huxely? He's probably never had a girl say 'no' to him before in his life." It was Potter's annoyingly cocky voice. Lily tried not to notice how her heart leapt when he sat next to her.

"You mean like yourself?" She asked sarcastically.

"That's not true. You've said no to me more times than I can count." He chuckled. Lily felt a reluctant smile tug at her lips.

"It's probably around the triple digits by now." She giggled. She did not try to dwell on the fact that it used to bother her, his incessant asking her out, and now she kind of missed it. He hadn't made a single move on Lily all year. She figured she was just being vain, missing the attention, and wrote it off as such.

"You did know how to bruise a guy's ego." James said seriously. She grinned.

"So what took you so long?" She asked.

"Oh, you know, Sirius had to get his hair just perfect, then Pete realized that the shirt he was wearing wasn't working right as we got here, and we all had to go back upstairs to help him."

"You're such a dedicated friend."

"I know. The sacrifices I make for those three prats." James said wistfully. Lily giggled, and accidentally spilled a bit of her firewhiskey. James eyed the glass with interest.

"Is our Head Girl actually letting loose for once?" He asked in shocked tone.

"Hey, I can let loose." Lily said defensively. James snorted. Lily protested.

"I just take my job seriously! I don't want to set a bad example."

"What's different about tonight then?" He asked. She was about to say _you._ Holy shit. Lily shut her mouth. That's enough booze for tonight, she decided.

"I don't know why you think I'm unable to have fun, Potter." She said sourly, instead.

"Oh you know I kid." James teased. "But seriously, lighten up! It's a party, go dance, do something crazy. I'll watch over the drunken masses." Lily glared at him. So what, now she was some frigid goody-goody who could never have fun? She stood up and strode away. "Lily!" He called, but she ignored him.

Why did she ever even entertain the idea that she could like him? He was the same arrogant prick as always. She could do something crazy! Lily Evans was a loose cannon on occasion, and tonight felt like a perfect time to flex this trait. She looked around the room, thinking of something crazy to do. Her eyes rested on John Huxely, who waved at her from across the room. Perfect, this should put Potter in his place.

Lily strode across the room to John, and firmly planted her lips on his. He was surprised, but responded enthusiastically once he understood what was going on. His lips tasted like butterbeer and they were kind of chapped. Other than that, Lily didn't really have much else to say. She deepened the kiss, which she could tell delighted John. She'd expected butterflies, or some kind of passion you would get when you kiss someone for the first time. But all she could think was: _this is wet._

Lily broke the kiss, looking at John.

"Wow, Lily, that was..." He trailed off, looking thrilled. Lily smiled and blushed a bit.

"Spontaneous?" She finished.

"I was going to say _incredible,_ but yeah." He grinned. Lily kissed him on the cheek once more, and told him she had to go to the bathroom. Really, she wanted to gauge people's reactions a bit. Potter was looking at her with quite the stunned expression, mouth agape. Sirius was grinning suggestively next to him, while Remus gave her a quizzical look. Alice and Emmaline, as Lily expected, dragged her off to the bathroom as soon as she waved John goodbye.

"Oh my god, Lil!" Emmaline squealed. Lily smiled sheepishly.

"John's like the fittest boy in Hufflepuff. Nice catch." Alice winked.

"Are you guys dating now? Did he ask you out?" Emmaline asked, mouth going a mile a minute. Lily faltered. Dating? She hadn't thought about that at all. She'd just wanted to prove a point, kiss a boy, have fun. She had now idea what John wanted, or even what he was like.

"I'm not really sure." She said tentatively. But Emmaline was still in overdrive, and barely even heard Lily at all. Marlene had walked out of the bathroom stall at that time. She had this weird knowing expression on as she passed Lily.

"Congrats on the snog Lils." She said with a small smile, and walked out.

Huh. Lily had not expected this much to result from one silly kiss. But she would soon find, there was more where that came from.

She came out of the bathroom, and John waved to her immediately. She tried to feel happy, but really she was only very tired. Conveniently enough for her, some Fifth year decided to start puking as she walked over. Inconveniently, it was in the middle of the dance floor, on a different group of dancers. Even more inconveniently still, that meant her and Potter would have to corral everyone to bed and clean the mess.

"Well Evans, you really did prove me wrong." James said, walking up to her with a mop. Lily blushed, not really knowing what to say. The two worked together, in comfortable silence. Maybe she was imagining it, but Lily felt like James was a bit cooler towards her than earlier in the night. Her mind swirled with the night's events, and her past feelings this week.

She'd proven James wrong. But did she prove anything to herself?


	3. Chapter 2: Anger

Stage 2: Anger

If last week had been weird, this week was on a whole other planet.

Lily had given up avoiding Potter, as it proved impossible. He was just _always_ around, at meals, during class, with Head duties. It was like trying to run from her arm. James hadn't been acting very normal either. Sure, he was friendly as ever, but he seemed more closed off, and his eyes were guarded whenever they spoke of topics other than Prefect duties. If she knew him better, she'd think maybe he was mad at her. Or disappointed, or something. But, Lily reasoned, she hadn't done anything wrong, so it was probably just in her head. And even if he was upset, he'd have to get over it. The two were basically attached with all the time they had to spend together.

And speaking of attachment, John would not leave her alone now. She'd get out of class, and he'd be there to walk her through the halls. She'd sit down at meals and he'd immediately wave her over. Not only were his Hufflepuff friends entirely boring, but they kept making suggestive comments whenever she actually did sit with him. Usually she just pretended not to notice him, which caused Dorcas to snicker. But then he'd just come and sit by her anyway.

John was very nice, but Lily was getting annoyed with him following her around all the time. And he never stopped talking. Even in the library, he'd sit and chatter on about what his friends were planning to do that weekend, or a new Charm he'd mastered, or Quidditch. It was all about him. Usually Lily just tried to nod appreciatively to be polite, maybe throw in a couple of "interesting!"s or "I'd never guess" when it was appropriate. But she doubted he listened, as he was usually too wrapped up in his own stories. He even talked in the Library, until Madame Pince came and kicked them both out. Lily had never gotten in trouble with her before, and loved the special treatment because of that. Now, thanks to John, she was just another rowdy student. Lily was sure she was going to lose it.

"Just tell him you need some space." Emmaline suggested kindly, when Lily was on another rant.

"He probably wouldn't even hear me." She muttered. They were in the Gryffindor common room, the only place Lily could find solace from him.

"Well, he isn't here now is he? Maybe he got the message." She offered.

"The only reason John isn't here right now is because I refused to give him the password." Lily said, a bit sheepish. She'd lied and said that she didn't feel comfortable doing that since she was Head Girl and it was technically against the rules. But students had friends from other houses learn passwords or tricks all the time. Fortunately, John didn't seem suspicious when she told him this, he just went on about how he was the first one to master Vanishing Solutions in Potions.

"Hey Lover Girl." Dorcas teased, as she sat down with some books. "I just heard that your new suitor is planning to ask you to Hogsmede next weekend."

"Well that's not bad, people go as dates all the time." Emmaline reasoned.

"Yeah, but I heard he's planning on taking her to Puddifoot's." Dorcas said, waggling her eyebrows. Lily groaned, running her hands through her thick curls in exasperation.

"Why there? I'd rather spend an hour cleaning owl pellets." Lily whined.

"You know what that means. Snog City." Dorcas said, obviously amused by her predicament. Lily grimaced. They hadn't kissed since the party last Saturday, which was mostly Lily's doing. She could tell John was itching for more action, but any time they were alone Lily called one of her friends over as a buffer.

Now she had to go on this stupid date with him.

"If you don't like him that much, you should tell him. It'll save the both of you a lot of pain." Emmaline observed. But it wasn't as if Lily didn't like John. He was a completely pleasant guy. She liked holding hands in the halls and having someone to distract her. He just didn't give her any sparks in her head or butterflies in her belly, like a crush was supposed to. But that didn't mean she wanted to hurt him by breaking things off.

"Why did this get so complicated." She huffed. In the back of her mind, the conclusion was clear: James Potter. He was the root of all of Lily's troubles. It made anger boil in her stomach and course through her veins. Seemingly on cue, him and his friends were strutting over. Unfortunately, Potter and Black had their gaggle of lovesick girls with them. Seeing James whispering in one's ear made Lily grip her quill so hard she thought it might snap from her sheer annoyance.

"Hey Meadows, what did you think of my Restoration Charm today?" Sirius asked. "Too bad it couldn't do something about your hair."

"Bite me, Black." Dorcas snapped. Sirius widened his eyes suggestively, and she scoffed.

"Lily, you have a bit?" James asked. Lily nodded glumly, still in a mood most foul.

Gathering her things, she followed James towards the portrait hole.

"So I was thinking." He started.

"That's a first." She replied. He shoved her.

"Don't get smart with me Evans. Or I could let it slip to Slughorn that his Potions Prodigy skipped class, not because of some unforeseen Heads crisis, but because she'd rather sleep in."

"Don't you dare!" Lily cried. "It would break his heart." James chuckled, and reached for the portrait hole door. Lily felt slightly cheered.

"Thanks for that, by the wa-"

Lily stopped what she was saying, mouth agape. Outside the portrait of the Fat Lady was John Huxely. John Huxely carrying the largest bouquet of lilies she'd ever seen.

"Hey Lily." He said, grinning.

"I..." Lily started, at a loss for words. Next to her, James had stiffened. She looked over at him, surprised by the dark expression on his face. It was rare to see James Potter this worked up (unless it was directed towards a Syltherin, honestly).

"I'll just tell you later." He growled. Like, actually _growled._ It made Lily even more dumbfounded. With that, James turned haughtily and strode away.

"So, what do ya think?" John asked loudly, clearly trying to get her attention once more.

"They're lilies. Like my name." She said. "How... Clever, John." It wasn't clever. In fact, Lily couldn't count the time she'd been given lilies as a gift, or lily-patterned decorations, clothes with lilies sewn on them, or lily-scented perfume. It made her kind of resent the flower to be honest.

"They're for you!" John said. "As a part of my invitation. Lily, would you like to go to Hogsmede with me on Saturday?"

"Er..." Lily was backed in to a corner, that was for sure. She couldn't just turn him down now, when he'd made such a gesture! It would be undeniably bitchy to do such a thing.

"Of course John. That sounds lovely." Lily lied, smiling sweetly. John looked elated, and leaned in, thrusting his lips onto hers. All she thought was how spitty his lips were. It made her insides twist with guilt. John was so happy, and all she was doing was leading him on.

"Maybe I'll just date him forever, and marry him, so I don't have to ever hurt his feelings." Lily sighed, once she'd rejoined her friends. Potter had apparently went up to bed, which struck her as odd, especially considering his coldness before. The entire Gryffindor house seemed to be out other than him, though, and they were all _oohing_ and _ahhing_ at her bouquet. Lily had set it down next to her, but it was took up so much space that it was almost as if she'd been swallowed by a large bush.

"Lily." Emmaline scolded. It infuriated Lily that she acted so high and mighty.

"I just don't know what to do." She moaned. This was such a big stupid mess. And it was all Potter's fault.

xx x x xx x x xxx x x xx x x xx x x

Lily ran her hands nervously down the front of her robes. There was really no need to be nervous, she told herself for the millionth time. But she still was.

She walked into the Heads' Office, ready to chat with James for the first time since he'd stormed out on her. They met here once a week to do paperwork and discuss how the students have been behaving. But his behavior baffled her, as he'd gone from incessantly friendly to cold and aloof. It was almost like _he_ was avoiding _her_ now. At least it had seemed so for the past few days. Ever since John gave her those damn flowers.

James was already there, nose buried in some paperwork. Lily clenched her jaw. You're _no chicken Evans. There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of._

"Hey Potter." She said casually. He looked up briefly, giving her a half-wave. She frowned. So he wasn't even going to talk to her now?

"I saw that prank down in the dungeons today. Was that Black's doing?" She asked. He continued writing. "Not that I would report him, it was harmless, and the students unstuck themselves from the ceiling pretty quick. I was just..." Lily trailed. She was totally rambling, not getting a single reaction out of him. It seemed impossible to get his attention, which infuriated her.

"Oh, what did you want to tell me a couple days ago?" She asked, hoping a direct question would elicit _some_ kind of response. He merely shrugged.

"Isn't important now." He mumbled, scratching the bridge of his nose. His hazel eyes didn't leave the page once. If there was one thing Lily Evans hated more than constant unwanted attention, it was being ignored.

"Damn it, James!" She snapped loudly. His head shot up, eyes now sharp and focused on her. There was a very cold air to him, which only made Lily angrier.

"What the hell is your problem lately?" She hissed. "First, you come to school this year ready to be friends, ready to work together. Now you aren't even giving me the time of day!"

"Oh, I thought you'd be too busy to notice." He said with a sneer. The look on his face almost made Lily take a step back.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She cried.

"Just, you've been so friendly with Huxely lately, I figured you wouldn't be bothered with me anymore."

Lily was mad. Madder than when James charmed all her wardrobe invisible in Fourth Year. Madder than when Petunia said she'd rather not have a sister at all. Almost as mad as when Sev called her a Mudblood.

"How dare you." She said, voice dangerously low. "You judge me for seeing John when you flirt with girls and chuck them the minute you get bored?" James flinched.

"At least we have passion." He snapped. "You'd look more excited holding a flobberworm than that prick's hand."

"We have passion! Maybe you just don't notice over that giant ego of yours!" Of course this was a lie, but Lily was too worked up now to care.

"Oh, I notice." He hissed.

"How? You've been avoiding me like the plague for three days now! And don't deny it." She warned.

"Yeah, I have. Because I can't stand how awkward you look with him! It's embarrassing." He said. She couldn't believe how mean he was being. Tears pricked her eyes.

"It's all your fault you know!" She shouted, at her breaking point. "It's all your fault we're even together!" James was silenced. They looked at each other, room tense with anticipation.

"So you guys are _together?"_ He asked quietly. He didn't seem angry anymore, not really anyway.

"Yes! No! I don't know!" Lily said, throwing her hands up.

"Well, that's wonderful." He said stiffly. Then he stood up to walk out. Lily grabbed his arm.

"Oh no, I'm not finished." She said angrily. James paused, looking tired.

"Alright, let's hear it then." He said neutrally. The fact that he didn't fight back made Lily even more infuriated.

"This _is_ your fault." She said, voice shaking in anger. "At the party you told me to let loose, so I did. And now you're angry at me for doing exactly what you told me to? It's bloody unfair!"

"When I said loosen up, I didn't mean snog the first guy you laid eyes on." James said hotly.

"Well what did you mean then? Because all these years, you teased me for being too bossy, too uptight. But now, you're even more unhappy!" She shouted, voice cracking with emotion.

"Now, it seems to me that you're a git who only wants what he can't have. You said you wanted to be friends this year! How can you justify this kind of treatment to a friend?" She was on the verge of tears. To her shock, James seemed quite moved as well. _Just keep it together Lil._

"So tell me Potter." She said, voice loud and shrill. "Please, enlighten me so I'll never have to be this bloody confused again. Tell me what you want!"

In one swift movement, James grabbed her waist and pulled her in. His lips hit hers with a heat she'd never experienced before. Shock froze her lips in place, but only for a second. Then she returned the kiss, lips moving with his. He backed Lily up to a wall for support. James trailed hot kisses down her neck, making Lily's knees wobbly. Hungrily, she grabbed his face, crashing her lips into his. She heard him groan with desire, making her pulse quicken ever more. Her fingers looped to the back of his neck, grabbing his hair. It was as if an electric current was running between them, and it was impossible for Lily to stop. But James did it for them.

He broke apart from her, breathing hot a ragged. She looked at him, his hazel eyes blazing, cheeks flushed. She felt hotness in her own cheeks, and her lips were swollen. James touched her face with one delicate finger, but for only a moment. It made Lily's breath catch in her throat.

"That's what passion feels like." He said hoarsely, before turning and walking out of the office.

xx x xx x x xx x xxx x xxx x xx x

"Lily, you look incredible." Emmaline gushed. Lily tugged at her twirly black skirt, wishing it was a bit longer. Her heart was anything but excited at Em's words.

"Hopefully Huxely can keep it together long enough to get you to Puddifoot's when he sees that outfit." Dorcas chuckled in agreement. Lily gave them both a small smile. If only she could feel as giddy and excited as her friends seemed to want her to feel. Alice, who was lounging on Lily's bed, gave her hand a squeeze.

"You know you don't have to go if you really don't want to." She said quietly, an understanding smile on her face. Lily nodded, feeling her resolve harden.

"I have to." She said firmly. With that, she gave her friends a military-style salute.

"Off to war. I hope to make it back alive. If not, don't let Petunia have _any_ of my stuff."

"Sir-yes-sir!" Dorcas cried, saluting back. Lily smirked, and made her way down the stairs to meet John.

Lily stepped into the Entrance Hall, looking for her date. All around there were happy couples or groups of students preparing to leave and chattering excitedly about the upcoming trip. Her eyes caught four boys, rowdily making their way out of Hogwarts. Thank Merlin that James's back was to her, so he didn't see her blush scarlet.

"Hey Lils!" She whipped her head around, a wild fear of being caught. It was just Emmaline. She looked at her curiously.

"You forgot your purse." She said.

"Oh! Th-thanks Em." Lily stuttered. She was dreadful at keeping secrets, and was certain Emmaline could see right through her, but her best friend thankfully said nothing.

"Lily, I just wanted to say something." Emmaline started. "I feel like I've been pushing you to date John, even if you're not entirely comfortable with it. So I just wanted you to know, I'm only happy if you're happy, okay?" Lily smiled. She gave Em a hug.

"Thanks. I needed to hear that." She whispered. Emmaline's black wavy hair tickled her nose. Her friend then ran off to meet Lily's normal group that she went to Hogsmede with, giving her one last wave. From the same side of the room, John was now walking over to her, a huge grin on his face. Lily felt her spirits sink.

"Did I just miss something?" John asked, amused. He did look sharp, his chestnut hair styled back handsomely, wearing a fancier red shirt.

"No, no, just girl talk." Lily said, knowing he wouldn't inquire more.

"You look absolutely beautiful." He said, blushing. She smiled, but it didn't reach her heart.

"Thanks." She said. He offered her his arm, and she took it, the two setting off for town.

John talked animatedly about how he was trying out for Beater next week. Lily nodded and made noises of agreement when appropriate, but her mind was in far-off places. She though, as she had been almost every second that she was conscious for the last three days, about her kiss with James. It was hot an angry, not how kisses were supposed to be. But still, it made her insides feel on fire, and her eyes unable to close at night. And somewhere, beneath the anger, she felt this gnawing feeling of longing, and even excitement. It was so many more emotions than she'd ever felt spending time with John. She looked down now, at his arm looped with hers.

 _You'd look more excited holding a flobberworm than that prick's hand._ James's words rung in her ear. It was true that she didn't feel much now, just the heat of John's fingers on hers. But that definitely didn't excuse James's words, how harshly he'd spoken to her. His anger made this all the more confusing.

"Right, Lil?" Her name snapped her back to reality.

"Uh, yeah." She said, having absolutely no idea what she agreed to.

"Puddifoot's it is then!" John said cheerfully. _Dammit!_

The two walked down High Street, all decked out for Halloween later this month. Lily snuck peeks at displays in windows, but kept walking. Her fate was sealed. They got to Puddifoot's and got a small secluded table in the back. They ordered tea, and Lily tried not to gag at how chintzy the lace doilies and harp music was.

"So, how'd the patrols go last night?" John asked. Lily was supposed to do them with James, but she'd switched with Remus. He had also given her a curious look when she asked, but she said she felt really sick and he seemed to believe her. But she didn't tell John that, as it would raise a whole host of questions that she was entirely at a loss to answer.

"They were fine." She mumbled. Luckily, John thought of a fascinating story about himself and went with it. A horrible thought struck Lily. Did she technically cheat on John when James kissed her? Sure he initiated it, but she kissed him back too. Her and John had only kissed twice, but she got the impression that he thought they were certainly exclusive. It made her feel all the more guilty. She traced patterns on her napkin glumly. What a mess she'd gotten herself into.

"And then I came up to the Library to get a book on gillyweed for him, and there he was! He had a fishbowl around his head, still all scaly. It was hilarious." John finished, laughing. Lily chuckled appropriately. He then began on another story. Lily wondered if he even paid attention to what he said. She decided to put it to the test. He was starting a rather boring tangent on Quidditch again.

"...when I flew by the goal posts, knocked the Bludger with this crazy spin move..."

"John."

"... and that landed me upside down, but it wasn't too hard to maneuver..."

"I think a dragon's downtown." Lily said casually, even peeking out the window.

"... yeah, then as I flew over to where the Bludger went the Chaser on the other team..."

"Look at it go. All those poor buildings never stood a chance." Lily said wistfully. Again, he didn't seem to hear.

"... So the Chaser's getting all cocky right? He's moving with the Quaffel, but I come out of nowhere..."

"...What an impressive fire. We should really flee for cover." Finally, John stopped his story. He paused, looking at her.

"What the hell are you talking about Lily?" He asked. She sighed.

"Nothing. So you came out of nowhere?"

"Yep!" He nodded enthusiastically, continuing his tale. Lily tried not to roll her eyes. It was as if John didn't even care what she thought, he just needed someone to talk to about himself. This was beyond annoying. His fingers kept wandering to her thigh too, and it was very difficult to continue moving away from him without appearing rude. Overall, this date was turning out to be even worse than Lily could've imagined.

A waitress came to refill their tea, and cooed at how adorable they were.

"How long have you two been together?" She asked in a honey sweet voice.

"Oh we're not-"

"Just a bit-"

They'd answered at the same time. Lily flushed, and John looked at her. The waitress simpered, and went off to a different table.

"Lily, what did you mean by that?" He asked.

"Well, I just. I guess..." Lily started, very flustered.

"You don't consider us together?" He asked.

"We never defined if we were, and well, I just. I..."

"So what, you want to define it then? I thought it was pretty clear when you came up and kissed me."

"I didn't know what the kiss meant, John." She said, trying to be honest.

"What, so you just decided to play with my emotions like that?" He asked, getting angry.

"No! Of course not!" Lily said, trying to keep her voice down. Couples were starting to look curiously over at their display.

"Okay. Fine." John said, calming a bit. "So let's define this. I want us to be together." He looked at her, obviously expecting her to agree.

She sighed, and put her hand tentatively on his. "You're an amazing guy John. But I'm just not sure I'm feeling any spark here." His jaw clenched at her words.

"You tease." He muttered. She gasped.

"What?" His gaze softened.

"I'm sorry Lily, I didn't mean that. I'm just angry." He pleaded. But Lily had had enough.

"Goodbye John." She said cooly, gathering her purse and heading out the door.

"Wait!" He called after, but she ignored him.

Hot and angry tears were pouring down Lily's face. She saw people giving her queer looks as she passed them, but she couldn't care less. She was a girl on a mission. A mission to find James Potter.

Stumbling in some dirt, Lily cursed loudly. She felt like a wreck of emotions. But the clearest one right now was anger. Finally, she spotted him. He'd just walked out of Zonko's with his friends, laughing at some joke.

"Potter!" She shouted, walking quickly up to him. He had only a moment to turn and look at her before she slapped hard him across the face. The impact made James stumble back, and Lily's had sting. Remus stared at her with disappointment, and Peter in shock. But she was in much too deep now.

With that, Lily strode away, back to Hogwarts.


	4. Chapter 3: An Interlude of Regret

**I'm back from the dead again! If you don't follow any of my other stories, then here's what happened: I got my wisdom teeth out, and then I had a terrible bout of writer's block. But I came back to this story and remembered how much I adored it. So, here's the next installment! Reviews are appreciated!**

 **Reminder: I own nothing. It all goes to JKR**

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Lily knew she needed to apologize immediately after she had gotten back to the castle, and flopped in bed.

"What is wrong with you?" She moaned. Not only did she quite certainly ruin her friendship with James in one moment, she made a scene in front of everyone. A Head Girl was supposed to be a good role model, not some hot-tempered brat who slaps her partner Head Boy in the face. It was shameful, how she acted. She was still very mad, but now it was mostly at herself. Burying her face in her pillows, Lily never wanted to get up.

Tears began squeezing out of her closed eyes, running down her nose and wetting her blankets. She felt guilt and remorse. Guilt for her fiasco of a date with John ending so horribly, remorse for hurting his feelings. She hoped that Remus and Peter didn't think horribly of her now either. And then there was James. Lily sniffled, feeling indescribably lonely.

Dosing in and out of a feverish sleep, Lily saw James's face, the hurt when she'd screamed at him, the passion when he kissed her. It had hit her hard that she really didn't want to lose him as a friend. She'd been furious at him, and it was partially justifiable. He'd said some unkind things to her. But she blamed him for her own actions, kissing John, accepting his invitation to Hogsmede, when she knew deep down she didn't feel anything for him. That was certainly not James's fault. She wondered if he'd even look at her now.

There was a soft knock on her bedroom door. Lily wanted to pretend to be asleep, to avoid all confrontation forever. But she knew it would only make things worse.

"Come in." She called, hoping her voice didn't sound too much like she'd been crying. The door creaked open softly, Emmaline's cherubic face poking in. She didn't look happy.

"Lily? What's going on?" She asked. "I just heard that you accosted James in Hogsmede and stormed off."

"I didn't accost him..." Lily said, but really that was what she did. She felt Emmaline's weithg as she sat on the edge of her bed.

"Why did you do it? I thought you guys were getting along. Did he do something to you?" She inquired. Lily could tell she was disappointed. She'd hoped more than anything that her two friends could get along this year, make peace.

"I really messed up this time, didn't I?" Lily asked softly. Emmaline rubbed her back soothingly.

"Lily, I've noticed something's been bothering you lately. I just wanted you to come to me first. But now... Please tell me what's wrong." She said firmly. Lily sat up, looking at her friend.

"Do you still have that list you made up last month?" She asked hoarsely. Emmaline frowned.

"Yeah, why?"

"Because I think I'm a part of it now."

xx x x xx x xx x x xx

Lily spent the rest of the afternoon telling Emmaline everything. She started at the night where she'd fallen asleep and had that dream, to avoiding James, to their recent fight. She even told her about the kiss. And when she finished, Emmaline's eyes were wide with shock, but also with realization.

"It all makes sense now." She whispered.

"Does it? Because I'd love to clued in." Lily said sarcastically. Grabbing a tissue off of her desk, she blew her nose loudly. Merlin, she was a hideous crier. Emmaline looked thougtful.

"You know, I always thought you and James would be perfect together. Once he put his ego aside and you stopped being so damn stubborn to see that he'd actually became a pretty decent guy." Lily scowled, but Emmaline pushed on.

"You guys are both feircely loyal, smarter than all of our class, and love a good challenge. You're both stubborn as hell, but kind and soft. And I used to tell him that sometimes, but I didn't think he believed me. I figured his asking you out was some weird male posturing thing. But, turns out, his heart was in the right place." She seemed to be talking to herself now, as if Lily wasn't in the room. "Now the two of you are finally getting a clue, but you're both so proud and hard-headed to make it easy on each-other and just admit it."

"Hey! I was just insulted multiple times in that speech." Lily grumped. Emmaline looked at her, eyes bright.

"Sorry Lily, but you know it's true. You got so mad at James because you didn't want to admit to yourself that there might be something going on between the two of you."

"I got mad at James because he'd been ignoring me and then proceeded to insult me." Lily pointed out.

"I'll give you that. But he's an idiot sometimes, when he lets his feelings get in the way of reason. I think you can realate to that." Emmaline said pointedly. Lily blushed, nodding. "I'm sure he didn't mean it." Emmaline reasoned, and Lily felt deep down that she was probably right.

"That still doesn't excuse what he said."

"What about what you said to him? What about that slap earler?" She asked, and Lily felt tears prick her eyes again.

"There's not a good excuse for those, is there?" She asked, sniffling. Emmaline shook her head.

"No, but there's only one way to go from here. Up. You still have a chance to make things right."

"Are you sure? I doubt Potter ever wants to speak to me agian." She sniffled. Emmaline actually giggled.

"Lily, how haven't you gotten this yet? You could blow up the bloody school and James would still want to speak to you." Her words made Lily smile.

"So what now?" She asked. Emmaline shrugged.

"That's for you to decide, my dear."

"Thank you, such wise words." Lily said drily, but she felt nerves grip her stomach. Is she brave enough to go up to James and do the one thing she never would want to do: admit that she was wrong?

x xx x x xx x xx x x xx x

Lily sat on the top of the Astronomy Tower, feet dangling over the edge. She felt cool autumn air wash over her skin, and closed her eyes, taking it all in. She'd missed dinner, not wanting to face anyone yet. While everyone was in the Great Hall, Lily snuck out of the sanctity of her room. She needed to think, and this was the best place to do so. Barefoot, Lily dangled her legs in the breeze, wiggling her toes once and a while if they got chilly. She'd been up here for a while now, just watching the sun set over the grounds, and night overtake the mountains and forest. Lily looked up at the stars, dazzling in their abundance.

She needed to find James. That was abundantly clear. She needed to get the guilt and remorse off of her chest soon, or she would burst. They had a lot to talk about, that was for sure. As Emmaline pointed out, there was something going on between them. Something more than friendship. But Lily wasn't sure if she was ready for something more. They'd just started getting along, and she didn't want to regret any of her decisions. Lily had a lot to sort out about herself before she could even think of dating, and, to be honest, how could she know that James even felt something either? Sure, he'd kissed her, but he'd also stopped asking her out a long time ago. Maybe the kiss was just his way of proving a point, or maybe he wanted to kiss her, but that was it, and he wasn't looking for anything more from her. It was all very confusing, and the only way to make things clear was to talk to him.

Wrestling with her feelings, Lily barely heard someone come up behind her. A smile tugged at her lips. Seemed as James had found her. Lily leaned her head back to face him.

"You know, I am so-" It wasn't James. It was Severus.

"Lily." He said. Her heart plummeted. She did not want to have a conversation with her ex-best friend, especially when her emotions were already so out of control. Lily just gave Severus a cold look, and stood, slipping her shoes back on.

"I knew I'd find you here." He said, as an explanation.

"Why were you looking for me? We're not friends."

"Well I heard that you and Potter got in a fight." He said, expression uncomfortable.

"So?" Lily was genuinely confused.

"Well, I thought you finally figured it out." He said.

"You're going to have to give me more of a hint, Sev." She snapped, impatient.

"I though you understood who's side you should be on. And I wanted to be here for you." He said simply. Lily nearly laughed out loud.

"I cannot believe this. I get in one fight with James, and you pop up expecting to be my knight in shining armor?" With her words, Severus's eyes narrowed.

"So it's James now?" He asked. "What happened to you thinking he was an bullying, obnoxious prick?"

"I grew up!" She cried. "And so did he!"

"You're actually defending him? I saw you slap him across the face in Hogsmede today!" Severus shot back. Lily gulped, guilt gripping her again. Tears pricked her eyes again.

"That doesn't mean I'd ever be friends with you again!" She said, exasperated. "God, what is it with you, acting like I'm some prize you can win?"

"Well, it doesn't matter, seeing as you're James's now." Severus sneered. He had stepped nearer as they fought, and Lily felt uncomfortably close to the tower's edge.

"Fine, you want to hear why I slapped him? He was being a prick and I lost my temper. Nothing's changed in that respect." Lily said, and she saw Severus's face visibly soften. But Lily wasn't finished.

"However, James is also nice and respectful and a thumping good Head Boy. He doesn't hex Muggle-borns just to impress his oafish friends." Severus flinched at her accusation. The autumn wind howled between them. It sent chills crawling up and down Lily's spine.

"Yeah, I saw your handiwork on Roger West. The boy was sent to St. Mungo's for a week! How can you possibly think I would be ready to look past that?"

"Potter is a bully as well, you know." Severus responded sullenly. Lily almost gnashed her teeth in frustration.

"Get out of my way, Sev." She said cooly. But he stepped closer, blocking her path. Lily felt the back of her heel on the edge of the Astronomy Tower.

"Lily, you have to promise me to stay away from that prick." Sev said, a mad look in his eyes. He grabbed Lily by the shoulders in insistence, and Lily's heart leapt to her throat. She never thought Severus would intentionally hurt her, but he definitely could let his anger get the best of him at times. Lily's hand fumbled behind her for her wand that was stowed in her trousers.

"Move. Now." She said, through gritted teeth.

"No! Not until you—"

"Derepificus!" She shouted, whipping her wand out towards him. Severus flew a couple feet back, landing in a heap.

"What the hell's the matter with you?" Lily shrieked, feeling near tears for what seemed like the millionth time that day. Of course, it was a rhetorical question, as Severus probably wasn't in any means to talk anymore. Lily's hex was a brilliant one she'd learned a couple years ago, one which made green tentacles sprout from the ears and tongue. She saw Severus mumbling in alarm as tentacles snaked out of his mouth. They were dripping a painful-looking pus, and Lily smiled a bit in triumph. Her fury must have made the hex especially strong.

A loud burst of laughter erupted from the stairs. Lily whipped around, suddenly terrified that she would get in trouble. But the source was only Sirius Black, who was doubled over in hysterics.

"Oh Evans, that was brilliant." He said, wiping a tear of mirth. "I've never seen such inspired spellwork. A work of art, truly." Lily scowled, but felt amusement bubbling up. Another groan emitted from Severus, as he gave the two a dark look and hurried inside.

"Yeah, go tell Madame Pomfrey exactly why you got those Snivelly!" Sirius called, grinning. She felt a pang of pity towards Sev, but it was fleeting. Lily noticed that Black had hastily stowed a wrinkled piece of parchment in his robes, but carried nothing else with him.

"Why are you up here?" She asked.

"I was actually coming to find you, to demand where you got off, slapping my best friend for no good reason." Sirius stated. Oh. Right. "But after that beautiful hex, I wouldn't dare. In my eyes, that made up for about everything."

Lily rolled her eyes at his smug look. "He deserved it." She said simply.

"Who, Snivellus or James?"

"Both. Well, not really James. Not James at all, actually." Lily mumbled, thankful for the dark night to conceal her blush. Sirius looked at her as if he was examining her. Lily took a step back, defensively.

"Huh." Sirius said. "I've seen you exact your revenge on James many a time over these years. But never have I seen you take your actions back after you'd done them."

"Well, in my defense, he was a right prat to me most of the time." Lily pointed out. Sirius nodded thoughtfully, only half-listening to her. It was making Lily rather annoyed, but she sighed. The time for anger was over.

"This was my fault, though. I was actually getting ready to go find him and apologize." She said, laying it all out there. Sirius looked over at her, a wolfish grin creeping onto his face. He looped his arm in hers, and practically dragged Lily off of the tower and down the stairs.

"What are you doing?" Lily grumbled as she matched his pace.

"Finding him!" Sirius replied. He pulled out the rumpled parchment once more.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." Sirius announced, prodding the paper with his wand. Lily watched in awe as black ink bloomed from his wand tip, forming footsteps and hallways.

"So this is how you guys never get caught when you pull those pranks." She mused. Sirius chuckled.

"There's still a bit missing. The kitchens are harder to plot than we thought, probably from all the House Elf magic down there. Or something, we're not really sure."

"You made this?" She asked, impressed. She found her pair of footsteps on the map, heading away from the astronomy tower, next to Sirius's. He nodded, proud. Lily didn't blame him.

"Now, let's see… James was in his room before, but I bet he went for some air… aha!" Sirius pointed. Lily squinted in the dim light of the corridor, before finding James zipping quickly around the Quidditch pitch. Judging by his dot's speed, he was flying.

"Does that when he needs to clear his head." Sirius explained. Lily nodded, and nerves suddenly gripped her. What if James didn't want anything to do with her? She still didn't know whether she should bring up the kiss or not…

"Don't worry Evans, he'll forgive you in a heartbeat. Bloke's not one to hold grudges." Sirius said, as if reading her mind. Lily looked at him, with narrowed eyes.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" She asked bluntly. Sirius laughed.

"James seems to think you're something special Evans. I figured I should find out if he's right for myself."

"And what are your conclusions so far?"

Sirius looked at her, eyes twinkling. "The jury's still out, but you've definitely defied my expectations."

x xxx x x xxx x xx x xx xx

Lily walked towards the Quidditch pitch, wrapping her cloak closer to her body. Sirius bade her goodbye at the castle entrance, claiming he didn't want to see their teary reconciliation. Her tights did little to protect her legs from the cold night, now that it had truly fallen. Technically, neither one of them should be outside of the castle right now, but Lily figured she could let this one slide.

She squinted once she neared the pitch, and she could see a figure darting this way and that up in the sky.

"Potter!" She called out, using her hands to call out to him. He seemed to notice, but kept on flying. Lily huffed, but she swore she saw a smirk on his face.

"Sorry Evans, seems I can't hear you! Maybe you should join me!" He called out. Lily scowled, and crossed her arms stubbornly. The shed of school brooms was open, and James seemed to be pointing to it now.

"Potter, you know-"

"What's that?" He called, cutting her off. Now he definately had a grin on. Lily threw her hands up, and stomped over to the brooms. She climbed over one awkwardly. Lily hadn't been on a broom in ages. She didn't mind heights, but there was something about being hundreds of feet up with only a stick between your legs to keep you from falling that just didn't sit well with her. Nevertheless, Lily kicked off the ground, and began her wobbly ascent. She kept her eyes pointedly away from the ground, focusing on flying upwards towards James.

He would show her his favorite moves, and she'd try to copy, which usually made him laugh raucously. Finally, he allowed her to land, and she was grateful for the green grass under her feet. They spent the rest of their time talking on the bench nearest to the field. James had this silvery cloak thing that was quite comfortable. Lily made to wrap herself in it, and shrieked when her arms and torso disappeared. That made James laugh especially hard.

"This _and_ the map. I used to be impressed that you never got caught. Now I can't believe how many times you _did."_ Lily giggled.

"Who told you about the map?" James asked, suddenly serious.

"Why?" Lily asked, taken aback by his change in tone. James frowned, pensive.

"Well... I guess it's fine you know. As long as you swear not to tell another soul."

"Um... Okay?" Lily said uncertainly. "You know, this is the first time I've seen you not chomping at the bit to show off your brilliance." James smirked.

"Think I'm brilliant, do you?"

" _It_ is brilliant, not _you."_ Lily clarified, smirking.

"Liar." He said. Their faces were getting closer together. She could barely make out the line of his nose, the glare of the moon off his glasses. His lips were dark, and Lily felt herself falling closer to them. James had his eyes on her, unreadable in the darkness. She could feel his breath quicken on her skin.

And just like that, the moment was over. James pulled away, hand running uncomfortably through his hair. Lily was still leaned in, heart beating rapidly. Disappointment shot through her.

"Probably should head back." James said gruffly. "I doubt Dumbledore would like to hear his two Head Students were out of the castle breaking curfew."

"Of course." Lily said stiffly, awkwardly standing up and smoothing out her skirt. Blood rushed in her ears, and she felt bloody embarrassed at James's not-so-subtle rejection. Then she remembered the whole reason she came down here in the first place.

"I'm really sorry about today." She blurted quickly. James, in the middle of packing up his broom, looked back at her sharply.

"I'm sure I did something to deserve it." He replied neutrally. Lily bit her lip.

"But you didn't, that's the problem. I've felt bloody awful about the whole thing ever since. Plus I've totally ruined my reputation as Head Girl..." James chuckled as Lily fumbled for words. Damn, she was bad at apologizing.

"S'okay Evans." He said, picking up the cloak. Lily nodded, glad he'd accepted.

"Now, how bout we get back to our nice beds, shall we?" He asked cheerfully. Lily felt far from, but plastered a smile on her face.

She knew in her heart that she'd never fall asleep tonight.


	5. Chapter 4: Insomnia

Stage 3: Insomnia

 _"Have you gotten the Hogsmede schedules sorted for spring?" Lily looked at James, the two sprawled out on the couch in the Gryffindor Common Room. James shook his head, black locks falling adorably into his eyes. Lily groaned._

 _"Dammit Potter! You said you'd do those weeks ago! What's keeping you?" He looked at her, a sultry expression on his face._

 _"I guess something keeps distracting me." He replied, voice lowering an octave. His fingers moved closer, tracing her upper thigh. Lily felt warm, and her heartbeat galloped._

 _"Dis-distracting you?" Lily squeaked, as he moved closer._

 _"I can't stop thinking about how sexy my partner is." He whispered in her ear, sending shivers down her spine. Lily turned, facing him head on. His eyes were dark and full of longing. She knew her face mirrored his._

 _"Well, seems like we'll have to do something about that." She replied. Their lips met, moving together softly at first. James's hands moved further up her thigh, above her skirt. She trailed kisses down his neck and he moaned. He gave her a famous smirk._

 _"Looks like you'll have to punish me Miss Evans." He whispered. Lily had never been more eager to kiss someone in her life. Their lips met again, but this time it was fleeting, as something behind her kept making noise, distracting her._

 _"Don't go." James pleaded. But she needed to figure out what the noise was..._

"Aw, look at her, so peaceful. Let her sleep."

"Alice, you know she'll get in trouble."

"But look at those eye bags!"

Lily stirred, blinking confusedly. One moment she'd been in the Gryffindor Common Room with James, and now she was...

Oh Merlin, she'd fallen asleep in class! She sat up, trying hurriedly to wipe the drool off the side of her cheek. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice other than Alice and Emmaline, who were both looking at her with smirks.

"Enjoy your cat nap?" Emmaline asked blandly. Lily shot her a glare, but felt her cheeks burn. That dream was incredibly intimate and personal and of course, starred the boy that had never been off her mind since last weekend. Thoughts of James had kept Lily up all week, and her sleepiness was starting to catch up.

"I've never fallen asleep in class before!" She said miserably. It had been a source of pride to her.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Professor Hattley decided it was best for us to explore our psyche independently. She's been hitting the sherry in her back room all hour."

They were in Divination, all supposed to be reading Tarot cards. However, most were in a stupor similar to Lily's, either half asleep or chatting with their friends to pass the time.

"Insomnia stage sure is hitting you hard, eh Lils?" Emmaline asked her amicably.

"Can it Em. I told you that if you kept teasing I'd tell everyone about your sex dream including a certain Professor Flitwick." Lily warned. Emmaline, amused to say the least, pretended to lock her mouth and throw away the key.

"Seriously though, have you been alright? I've woken up almost every morning this week and you've been gone." Alice said, concerned.

"I'm fine. It's so telling that Potter won't let me get a moment's rest, even when I'm sleeping." Lily grumbled. Both girls nodded sympathetically. Truthfully, Lily worried she'd regret telling them, but they've been nothing but supportive of her and her stupid feelings for James. The only of her friends that she hadn't told yet was...

The trapdoor opened in a frenzy. The students snapped their heads up at the break in monotony. It was Dorcas, a half hour late, scurrying up the ladder. Her face was flushed, curls out of place. Lily exchanged curious looks with her friends.

"Didn't think I'd need an audience." Dorcas snapped cruelly at the students who were still staring. Then she sauntered to the back, pulling up a chair to the small table the girls were sharing. Without a word, she began to pull out her books, avoiding their gazes.

"So, Tarot cards say anything interesting?" She asked, pointedly busying herself.

"Yeah, one told me my friend was hiding a big fat secret from me." Lily replied.

"Didn't know there was a card for that." Dorcas said, ignoring her remark. But her cheeks were flushed bright red. They were quiet for a minute.

"It's gotta be a boy." Emmaline declared. Dorcas snapped her head up quickly.

"What?" She asked.

"Oh, come _on,_ Dora! I'm not thick. You've been running off early from meals all semester, and now? You're in Snogsvlile with some bloke you won't tell us about."

"Bollucks." Dorcas said dismissively with a wave of her hand.

"Please." Emmaline scoffed. "It's obvious, innit? What other possible excuse could there be for you coming in almost an hour late to Divination?"

"It's bloody boring, that's my excuse." Dorcas snapped, clearly wanting her to drop it. Emmaline was quiet.

"So who is he?" Lily asked, loving the exasperated reaction of her friend. At least _her_ boy problems weren't in the spotlight anymore.

Dorcas ground her teeth and told Lily to sod off. But, she looked at Emmaline and they made a mutual agreement to figure it out soon. Alice just watched the whole exchange with an amused sigh.

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 _Don't look at the clock, don't look at the clock..._ Lily knew that would only make her sleeplessness more real. After suffering insomnia for the past week and a half, she'd made it a challenge of sorts to wait as long as she possibly could before checking the time. Actually seeing how late it was always made it worse.

Of course she only had one person to blame for her troubles. James bloody Potter. He'd been infuriatingly sweet to her the past week, but never bringing up their almost-kiss. It made her heart fill with regret. Now here she was, all hung up on a guy who didn't even like her. Mostly, she kicked herself, because she'd convinced her stupid mind that there was something more going on between them, when he obviously just wanted to be friends.

But it was so confusing as well! He'd kissed her in the Head's Office almost three weeks ago now. That certainly felt real to her. But she'd tried to kiss him on the Quidditch pitch and he rejected her. What did he want? Or was her crazy mind just interpreting all of his actions as something else? Whatever was going on, Lily felt like a fool.

And her feelings for him were only growing, even _she_ couldn't kid herself there. Why did the git have to be so damn charming at every turn? Like last Wednesday when they were partnered for Herbology, he'd rescued her from an angry Snarguluff that threatened to chomp her arm off, all without a single black hair out of place. While she was full of mud and sweating like a pig, he gave her a smirk and managed to get the damned plant to give him all of its seeds. And then they were finishing up rounds the other day and Lily, distracted by his cute dimples, missed the vanishing stair that she'd known to skip for years. Of course the git has to catch her seconds from falling on her face.

"Ever the clumsy one." He'd teased, but she didn't have a witty reply because he was so close to her and his arms were holding her supportively and it felt so right. So, naturally, it made his rejection all the more painful. She'd brushed off and jerked away.

"I can look after myself, thanks." She'd said curtly, and the moment was gone. Of course she wasn't actually annoyed at him, it was more of a self preservation thing really. Lily just wasn't sure if she could take another rejection.

Wrapped up in these thoughts, Lily knew sleep was futile. At nights when she couldn't sleep, Lily would normally read or owl her parents, but she knew she had to get out of her room for a bit. It was getting far too stuffy in there for her taste. Maybe the warmth of Common Room fire could lull her into a stupor...

Unfortunately the sight that greeted her once she put on her slippers and shuffled down the stairs ensured this would not be so. The Common Room was empty, except for one boy, stretched out on the couch in a blanket of papers and homework, glasses askew in sleep. Lily almost wanted to laugh. Could the universe offer her no peace? Not to seem creepy, Lily quickly strode over and began to pick up some of the papers James had let fall to the floor in his sleep. Frowning, Lily realized he should be doing rounds right now. She looked up at him, cheeks flushed and mouth hanging open, and couldn't help but smile. He'd done rounds for her many times when she was too tired or swamped with homework; it was time she repaid the favor.

Lily silently crept to her room, bringing down a large blanket. She figured it cruel to wake James when he looked so peaceful. She also thought of how much had changed, for if he'd been sleeping through duties last year she would have given him hell for it. Now she just hoped he didn't wake up. Deftly she worked around him, sorting the papers and stacking them neatly on the end table next to him. James didn't stir once, obviously in a very deep slumber. Although it was trickier to wrap the blanket around him, and he did wake, but only briefly.

"MmmmPads?" Lily jumped a bit as James rubbed his eyes sleepily. He was trying hard to open his eyes, but his body seemed determined to keep them closed.

"It's just me, dork." She whispered fondly. "I'll wake you when I get back from rounds." James nodded sleepily, but then frowned.

"No... Lemme do them..." He said, now trying to rouse himself. But soon a huge yawn took up his face, and he snuggled into the blanket happily. Lily giggled a bit. Then, remembering what he said when she'd fallen asleep on him, she made a mental note to take a picture when she got back, as to tease him relentlessly for it later.

The halls were thankfully empty as Lily set out, a goofy grin on her face. _Stop it!_ She scolded herself, but she just couldn't help it. Whenever James was involved she couldn't help but be in a good mood. Lily used to get creeped out when she had to patrol alone, but the halls were so familiar to her now she walked unbothered. Her shadow would grow and shrink with each torch-lit corridor she passed. Lucky for her, no one seemed to be out tonight. There was a couple giggling Ravenclaws who it seemed was their first time breaking the rules. Lily scolded the youngsters and they immediately scampered off. Her spirits were quite lifted actually, and she was down by the Great Hall when she decided her job was done. She was actually getting sleepy again as well.

There were murmurs from the next corridor over, and her heart sank. Hopefully it wasn't a gross couple snogging, or worse, Filch writing poetry about Mrs. Norris again.

But it wasn't what she expected at all. Jeremiah Flint was talking with Samuel Goyle, and the two seemed ill-intentioned. Lily sighed inwardly, knowing what a struggle this would be. The Slytherins, especially ones like Flint and Goyle, had taken to not listening to her when she scolded them. They'd sneer or just act as if she was the wind, because she was Muggle-born and they didn't think they had to obey someone 'lower' than them. It made Lily's blood boil each time she had an encounter like that, and she knew tonight would go no differently.

"Romantic evening planned, Flint?" She called loudly. The two boys's heads whipped up. Goyle had a very nasty leer at the sight of her in her slippers and bathrobe.

"Leave us Evans, if you know what's good for you." Flint snapped. Lily blinked, unfazed at the utter hatred in his voice.

"Though I'd be more than happy to leave you to your lover's quarrel, unfortunately I can't." She said coldly. "You know the rules." Goyle laughed. It was very phlegmy.

"Like _you_ can tell us what to do." He wheezed. Flint, however, had a much darker expression on his face.

"Filthy Mudbloods like you should be punished for talking to me like that." Lily tried to still her heart at the horrible insult and keep her confidence.

"Like _you're_ so special." She scoffed. "You're repeating Fifth year Divination for the third time, and your friend over there sounds like he's about to drown in his own snot."

Flint whitened. "That's so clever Evans. How would you like a Cruciatus to teach you how to respect your superiors?" Lily felt her stomach turn to ice.

"Like you would ever pull that in school grounds." She said, knowing it was a much lamer comeback. Flint was getting closer, and she couldn't help it; she took a step back defensively.

"That's right Mudblood, be afraid." He said. Goyle was to her side, cutting off her only exit. Lily felt time stop. Then, in a flash, Flint whipped out his wand and sent a curse Lily's way.

" _Protego!"_ She cried, thankful for her practice in dueling. The spell rebounded, hitting Goyle instead. The boy flew backwards in the air, landing on his rear about twenty feet away. Luckily he didn't seem injured. Lily hadn't meant to hit him, and injuring Goyle would make Flint much more eager to try out some really nasty spells on her. He roared (if it was any other instance Lily would've found it funny) and hurled a hex at her. Lily hit it on the side of her face, and she felt the power of a punch strike her lips and ear. Reeling back, she felt her lip swell and tasted blood. Lily barely dodged another of Flint's spells, but was able to easily disarm Goyle with an _expelliarmus_ charm, sending his wand clattering away.

"Bitch!" Flint cried, flicking another unknown spell her way.

" _Incarcerous!"_ She cried. The force of her spell made her stumble, but she still was able to duck Flint's sinister red curse. Flint wasn't so quick. Her spell hit him head on, wrapping ropes around him tightly. Lily felt triumph at her handiwork, but Flint still had his wand. Rolling, he began to fire spells wildly in her direction. Lily leapt to avoid a few, but one hit her, ripping her bathrobe and making her left thigh feel like it was burning. It took all of her will not to scream from the pain.

" _Immobulus!"_ Flint was now unable to move. Lily felt her heart soar, but there was still Goyle. Wandless, he had ran at her, taking her a bit by surprise. Lily tried to duck as he came at her, but he grabbed her wand wrist tightly, dancing out of the way of the end.

"You'll pay, little Mudblood." He sneered as Lily concentrated on wriggling free. Her wrist felt as if it was breaking under his grip.

"Petrificus Totalus!" She called, and it brushed Goyle's elbow. That was all the spell needed, however, for him to go rigid and fall to the floor. His grip was loosened, and he fell. Lily spat at his feet.

"You utter pricks!" She shouted, now that she was in no danger. In fury, she kicked Goyle's side for good measure.

"Lily?!" She whipped around. It was Remus. He looked worse for wear, purple bags bulging under his eyes.

"Come on Remus, let's turn them to jelly now." Lily said through grit teeth. "Or better yet, shove them in a broom closet together and-"

In one fluid motion, Remus picked Lily up like a sack of potatoes and began carrying her away from the scene. Lily screamed in protest.

"Put me _down_!" Lily shrieked, beating her tiny fists on Remus's back. "I have to go back and throttle Flint!" The boy's eyes were still looking at her murderously.

"No." Remus said with an intensity Lily had never heard. Under any other circumstance it would've stopped her in her tracks. But she was too enraged for that.

"Where do those bastards get off, attacking someone in the middle of the night? They're scum! _Worse_ than scum!" Remus let her rant, silent as he carried her up the moving staircase.

"And really, you didn't have to prance in like my knight in shining armor or something! If you couldn't tell, I was handling myself perfectly fine." She snapped. Remus, again, was quiet.

After she was a bit calmer, Remus began to speak.

"Lily, I understand. You have every right to be livid, to want them dead. But listen, you can't let your temper get out of control. You've got a walking target on your back just because of who you are. Trust me, I understand how that feels. I can see you breaking under people like Flint. But you can't give them the satisfaction of hitting back. What you did tonight? I wouldn't be surprised if Flint told all his cronies to retaliate the first chance they get."

Lily looked over at him, not sure whether to forgive him or not. He still had him over his shoulders, which was probably smart on his part, as she was still on the verge of running back down.

"Why're you prowling about, anyway?" She asked gruffly. Remus had a rueful expression on.

"You know how the nights before the full moon are for me." He answered simply. Lily nodded.

"I'd forgotten that was tomorrow." She said softly. Remus merely shrugged, wobbling Lily slightly. She felt a pang of guilt. Remus would never have the luxury to forget. But she wasn't done being angry.

When they got to the portrait hole, he finally set her down. Lily glared at him, then stormed into the Common Room.

"Lily, wait!" Remus called quietly. She whipped around so fast her hair flew round her face.

"NO!" She shouted. "I'm done waiting around! I'm told to never hit back, to never show them any resistance, but what'll that get me? I can't wait around till I'm dead, Remus! I can't wait for those people to try what they did to me on someone who couldn't take them!" Lily felt tears prick her eyes. Remus was looking at her with a bottomless expression. Papers rustled behind her, but she ignored it.

"Remember what they did to Mary in Fifth year? Or what they did to Roger last month? I can't wait around until the next news is a murder! I need to defend the "Mudblood filth", because who else do they have? Cowards who decide they'll lay low? That's not going to work for us in a matter of months when we step out into the real world and you know it!" She knew she was being a bit unfair to Remus, as he'd only helped her tonight, but she was scared and frustrated and so _tired._ She had to get these emotions out.

A small cough from behind her made Lily practically jump out of her skin. Flying around, Lily's eyes rested on James. He was still wrapped up in her blanket, hair messy from sleep, but his eyes were wide.

"What happened?" He asked, voice low. Suddenly Lily was tongue-tied.

"I, um... Ran into Flint and his friend on rounds." She practically whispered. His eyes flickered to her ripped bathrobe, then back up to her fat lip. James's face was dark and deadly.

"I'll kill them." He said. Standing up in a flash, he was over at Lily's side, taking a better look at her. His fingers brushed the bruises on her wrist, sending goosebumps down her arm.

"Evans had that covered pretty well, actually. Until I pulled her off them and dragged her back here." Remus said. His voice cracked and immediately Lily felt terrible for yelling at him.

"Remus, I-" She started, but Remus put a hand up to quiet her.

"S'okay Lils. I'm too tired for a speech right now. Got her, James?" James nodded, not taking his eyes off Lily. She, however, was staring miserably after Remus's retreating form. They _never_ fight, and having one of her best friends upset with her was not a good feeling. Especially when she knew she was being completely out of line before.

"I shouldn't have said those things." Lily whispered, a lump growing in her throat. Really, all the night's events were just starting to sink in, and it was almost too much to bear.

"Don't." James said firmly. He'd led her to the couch and wrapped her in her blanket. "Don't regret what you said. It was true, after all."

"Remus didn't deserve that." Lily mumbled. Fat tears were threatening to fall from the corners of her eyes.

"No, probably not. But you didn't deserve what happened to you tonight either." James replied. "He'll understand that and forgive you." Lily nodded, but felt only marginally cheered.

"I can't get the look in Flint's eyes out of my head." She whispered. His grey eyes were so cold and full of hate. James met her eyes, his soft and comforting and dark. Like she could fall asleep in them.

"They don't know what they're talking about." James said firmly. "Any of them. Never forget that." He stroked Lily's hand comfortingly. She tried not to blush.

"It's just hard sometimes when the only thing I'm being told is that I'm less than everyone else." She said, voice almost inaudible with the admission. It came from a place deep inside her, one that she ignored almost all the time. But sometimes it showed itself, like when Sev called her a Mudblood Fifth Year.

James was quiet. She tired not to fidget under his intense gaze. Then, slowly, he wrapped his arms around her. She leaned into his embrace, head resting on his chest. The two sat like that for a long time, James stroking her hair once and a while. Lily felt her eyes begin to shut. If she listened hard, she could hear his heartbeat, feel his soft breath blowing on her hair. Every rise and fall of James's chest rocked Lily into oblivion. He laid there with her, quiet. Except for once, when she thought she heard him say something impossible.

 _"I love you."_ It was softer than a whisper, more like a drawn out breath. Lily opened her eyes at the words, but only a second before falling back into a deep sleep. Her sleep-adled brain must've made her hallucinate or something. And Lily quickly forgot it even happened.

That was the first night in almost two weeks that Lily slept soundly.


	6. Chapter 5: Bargaining Part I

**Hey guys! I know the last chapter was a bit darker at the end than the rest, but it was important to Lily's and James's relationship. I'm keeping most of the story quirky and lighthearted, but if you reviewed (nudge nudge) and said you liked it, I'll see what I can do. Speaking of reviews, the last ones were seriously amazing! I'm sending love to everyone who commented :).**

 **Hope you like the next installment!**

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Stage Four: Bargaining 

**_Part I-_**

"Favorite candy?" James asked. Lily frowned.

"There's so many though!" She cried, to which James chuckled.

"Pick, Evans. That's the whole point of the game."

"Okay, okay... Fizz Whizz." She replied.

"Fizz Whizz?" James asked, incredulous. "What the hell is that?"

"A muggle candy!" Lily giggled. "It fizzes when it hits your tongue."

"How can it do that without magic?" James scoffed. "Sounds made up."

"Of course it isn't you wanker! Muggles have figured out how to do quite a bit without magic. If you ever paid attention in Muggle Studies you'd know that." Lily smirked.

"Well, you got me there." James laughed. "Professor Gimble's voice is like a lullaby though, isn't it?"

Lily smiled again. Her sides felt cramped from all the laughing she'd done tonight. James seemed to be having a pretty good time too, and his weird hiccupy giggle was just infectious.

Ever since last week when Flint had attacked her, James had made Lily take him with her when she had to do rounds. At first Lily complained that she could handle herself and he was being dumb, but when James has his mind made up it's extraordinarily hard to change it. This was their third night this week that they'd prowled the halls together looking for troublemakers. But really, they just talked. They asked each other questions about favorite holidays, favorite Quidditch teams (to which Lily got an hour long speech on why the Hornets were superior to any other team imaginable), and the like. It was nice, and Lily was learning things she'd never know about James. Some silly and trivial facts, but she also learned important things, such as how Sirius had ran away from his family almost two years ago and had been living with the Potters ever since. How James considered him, Peter and Remus to be brothers. How he wanted to fight Voldemort and the minions who followed him when he graduated.

And she'd told him a lot too. She told him about her relationship with Petunia, about her childhood before she discovered she was a witch, and about her youth with Sev. This also included elaboration on the tragic ending of their friendship. She wasn't sure if it was wise of her to divulge that, but James didn't say anything other than what a git Sev was, which was better than she'd expected. Lily had found herself counting down the hours till everyone went to bed, so she could meet him and the two would head off together for another night of talking and exploring the castle.

"Treacle tart's gotta be the _best._ " James said confidently. Lily nodded, but for the first time, she couldn't think of any good questions.

"I can't think of anything to ask you." She said. "Guess we know everything about each other." James smirked.

"Not even close, Evans. First snog?"

"We're crossing _that_ boundary now are we?" Lily asked, trying not to blush.

James nodded, unfazed. "Obviously. I know that you were called 'carrot head' all through primary school, whatever that is. Seems fitting to know your first kiss."

Lily giggled. "Fine, but you have to tell me yours first. Mine's too embarrassing." James grinned.

"Alright. It was Fourth Year. Felicity Sloper."

"Wasn't she two years older than us? Potter, you dog." Lily teased.

"Now you tell me." He replied, refusing to change the subject. Lily sighed.

"Okay... It was Frank."

" _Longbottom?"_

"Yeah. I kissed him in Third Year and he got all clammy and then confessed to me his undying love for Alice. Quite the opposite of romantic." Lily said dryly. James howled with laughter, and she shoved him playfully.

"Stop laughing at my pain! It was a mortifying situation!" James seemed to try to get control of himself, but looked at her and burst into hysterics.

"I don't have to take this." Lily grumbled, picking up the pace.

"Lily, wait!" He called out, but she ignored him. "No, seriously-!"

"AAHHH!" She screamed. Suddenly she was upside down! One second she'd been walking as normal and now her feet were planted firmly on the ceiling, as if it was the floor. Her red hair fell off her shoulders and up over her head, hanging towards the ground. She heard footsteps behind her, and an upside-down image of James came into her vision.

"Bollucks, I didn't realize we were so close to the Hufflepuff Common Room." He cried.

"What's going on? _You_ did this?" Lily asked, crossing her arms over her chest with all the dignity she could muster.

"Yeah..." James trailed, hand buried in his hair. "It was a little prank on Hufflepuff since the Quidditch match on Saturday and all..."

"Potter! A Head Boy shouldn't be pulling stupid pranks anymore!" Lily said, more exasperated than actually angry.

"Hey, you gotta admit, all the Hufflepuffs in their pyjamas hanging from the ceiling tomorrow morning _is_ a funny image." James reasoned. Lily rolled her eyes, but smiled a bit. It was silly to think about.

"Whatever. Just get me down!" James saluted, but then suddenly grew red in the face.

"Um, Lils, I-I think you might need to..." He trailed. Lily had never seen him look so nervous.

"What? Spit it out James." She said impatiently. Then she noticed the cold breeze around her upper thighs. Craning her head upward, she squeaked. Her skirt had fallen down, pink striped knickers on display for everyone. Except no one was around but James, who was beet red and stuttering.

"Shit!" She swore, tugging her skirt up as best she could. Her face was probably the same color as her hair by now. She prayed to whoever was out there to strike her down now rather than be in such an embarrassing situation. James couldn't stop staring, mouth opening and closing like a gulping fish out of water.

"Uh..Oh jeez...Merlin, Lily, I'm so-"

"Stop apologizing and just get me down!" Lily roared. James nodded and, to Lily's surprise, went a corridor over to a large goblin statue. He tapped his wand on the statue's head a couple times rhythmically. Lily's feet tingled, then she was dropped as if an invisible pair of hands had let her free.

"-oof!" Lily fell to the floor in a heap. Surprisingly, the floor bounced when she fell. Instead of hitting stone, it felt as if she was on a trampoline like the neighbors down the street used to have when she was young.

James hopped over quickly.

"I'm so sorry Lily, I totally forgot." He said, offering her his hand. She took it, standing as gracefully as she could muster. The wobbliness of the floor made her falter, so James had to grab both of her arms for support. He looked like he was fighting off a smile. Lily scowled.

"You're a prat you know." She grumped, poking him on the chest. He grinned.

"Course. You're just getting that now?" His voice was husky. She looked up at him, hands still on her arm, body still close.

"Well, you finally did it." She said seriously. "You finally got a peek at Lily Evans's underwear." Then she felt a blush creeping back up her cheeks. Why did she say that? It was meant to be a joke but did James take it as a joke? And why did James have to stand so close to her?

James smile vanished, replaced with a much different look. His breath had hitched when she said it, hazel eyes becoming a bit unfocused. Lily felt herself freeze, not wanting either of them to pull away. James was looking at her intensely, fingers still soft and warm on her arms, breath tickling her neck. James lifted his hand, making her heart plummet, but then used his fingers to brush away a red curl that had fallen into her eyes. His movements were slow, as if he was waiting for her permission. Lily's skin burned where his hand touched her cheek as he tucked her hair behind her ear. She bit her lip, heart pounding, unsure of what to do next. If it were up to her, the two would be kissing frantically by now, all thoughts of rounds forgotten. But what did James want? He still wasn't moving away.

"Don't bite your lip like that." He whispered. Lily frowned.

"Why not?" She asked, voice equally low. Then, just to see what he would do, she bit her lip again. James's eyes flicked down and then back to hers. His face was etched with some unreadable emotion... was it... _lust?_

"Lily." He breathed, inching his face closer. She could feel his warmth, see every strand of black silky hair. If she looked hard enough, she could see the slight reflection of herself in his wire-rimmed glasses. Her reflection was full of longing, just as James appeared now. Their noses touched for a brief second, both breathing heavily. Lily waited, with her heart in her throat, for his lips to finally make contact...

 _"PRONGS! Bloody pick up!"_

Lily jumped about a foot in the air at the voice, aided of course by the trampoline-floor. She whipped her head around, searching for the source, but the halls seemed empty. Looking back at James, she found him groping in his robes. To Lily's confusion, he pulled out a small mirror, sort of like the one Petunia carried around in her purse wherever she went.

"What could _possibly_ be so important?" He hissed. The face of Sirius Black slid into view, looking annoyed.

"Finally. We got the signal that the trap was pulled!" James sighed in exasperation. Lily was still unable to speak, what with the heated moment earlier and the shock of finding out that James and Sirius made two-way mirrors to keep up with each other.

"Yeah, that was by Evans here." James smiled ruefully, turning Sirius's face into Lily's view. Unsure of what to do, she waved meekly.

"Aw, Evans! Had to spoil our fun." Sirius sulked. Then Lily found her voice.

"It sure wasn't fun for me when I was hanging on the ceiling for no reason!" She snapped. Sirius cracked a delighted smile.

"She fell for it? Oh that would've been incredible to witness." Lily glared at the mirror, but had to fight a smile at Sirius's hysterical laughter.

"Trust me, it was." James assured. Lily elbowed him.

"Ow!"

"Sirius, you're lucky I don't put the both of you in detention." She warned.

"Oh, you like us too much." Sirius said, waving a hand. "Plus no one got accosted but you, so really it's one of our weaker pranks. How was her face Prongs? Was she terrified? I need a play-by-play-"

"Alright Padfoot, I'll see you later." James cut him off, rolling his eyes. Sirius's protests were drowned as he stuffed the mirror into his robes once more. He turned back to Lily, and the two seemed to simultaneously remember what they were doing, or rather, _about_ to do, before Sirius's interruption.

"So..." Lily trailed awkwardly.

"So." James repeated neutrally. Lily's mind was blank. What if she had totally misread the situation? What if James was overcome by some delusion and didn't want anything to do with her? Frustrated and embarrassed, Lily said the first thing that came to mind.

"Two way mirrors, huh? What, you two couldn't stand not seeing each other when you went to take a piss?" She smiled jokingly, but she was pretty sure it looked more nervous than amused. James chuckled lowly, and the tension seemed to dissipate.

"Cheeky, Evans. Actually, we designed them so we could talk when one of us was in detention."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Talk about attachment issues." James laughed again.

"Say what you will Evans, at least my first snog wasn't Frank Longbottom."

"Hey! Low blow." She sulked. The two began walking as if their rounds were never disturbed. Lily tried to feel relived, but she mainly felt depressed. Why couldn't she just own up to her feelings? It was better than all this dancing around she was doing. The memory of James rejecting her kiss on the Quidditch pitch still stung, making her much more afraid than she would have been before. It was like anytime she plucked up the courage to do something about her feelings, that memory held her back. But, she tried to push these thoughts out of her mind as their her and James continued their game, voices bouncing cheerfully off the empty corridor walls.

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"Why does Slughorn hate me so?" Dorcas lamented, after she crinkled up yet another piece of parchment in frustration.

Lily snorted. "Maybe because you've been late to the last three classes?"

"Still, a two foot essay on punctuality? The man is evil. Death Eaters step aside." Lily shoved her playfully.

"You know I'm gonna get your secret out eventually, right?" Dorcas rolled her eyes.

"We've been friends since we were eleven. I'm not stupid. However, I'm going to do my damnedest to keep it secret for as long as I can." Now Lily felt a bit upset.

"Why? You know I'm not going to judge, Dora. Seriously." Dorcas avoided Lily's gaze.

"I can't, it's too shameful."

"...Speaking of shameful, did you guys see that George Fletchley snogging Carmen Finch at lunch?" It was Emmaline, walking over with a fresh pile of books from the library. She set them down with a loud thud.

Emmaline sighed sadly, "I mean, we all knew someone _that_ attractive was bound to be snatched up eventually, but he was _so_ fun to flirt with."

"Oh, Em, don't act like you don't have half the boys in school tripping over themselves to take you to Hogsmede." Lily replied, finishing her Charms essay with a flourish. Her and Dorcas's conversation was momentarily forgotten.

"Plus Fletchley is about as dense as a Bludger." Dorcas quipped. The girls snickered and returned to their studying. They were lounging at one of the tables in the Gryffindor Common Room. The full force of NEWTs was really starting to hit them, and most Seventh years were positively overflowing with schoolwork the past few days. Just as Lily began to focus once more, the portrait hole burst open. It was Alice, looking vastly more cheerful than most in the room, whistling under her breath. Some students were glaring at her, resentful of her happiness while they were so miserable.

"Someone's in a good mood." Lily said mildly as Alice pulled up a chair. She had flushed cheeks and a serene smile on her face.

"Oh you know, the sun is shining, birds are singing, the Whomping Willow is floating in the breeze..."

"You just had an incredible shag with Frank?" Emmaline finished.

"Try _mind-blowing._ " Alice concluded.

"We thought as much." Lily said. "Here's a tip: make sure Gryffindor actually has practice when you're using it as an excuse to sneak off."

"Oh you're all just jealous." Alice smirked. Lily and Emmaline laughed, begrudgingly agreeing. Dorcas was unusually quiet, seemingly absorbed in her Potions essay.

"Evans!" A loud shout from across the room caused all four girls' heads to turn. It was Sirius, strolling up to them. Dorcas groaned comically.

"Black, for the last time, I'm not going to give you the confiscated Fanged Frizbees." Lily said, rolling her eyes. Sirius put a hand to his heart.

"You wound me, Evans. When I only come over for the pleasantry of your company."

"Bullshit, Black." Dorcas snorted. Lily nodded.

"What do you really want?" She asked. Sirius looked a bit sheepish, plopping down on the floor next to Lily before he spoke.

"Well... I need a favor."

"Of course you do." Lily laughed. Sirius looked impish. "What is it?"

"McGonagall caught me putting giggle water in the Hufflepuff table's pumpkin juice this morning, so I'm officially banned from commentating. A quite unjust punishment if I do say so myself." He added, sounding miffed. Emmaline and Alice giggled. Sirius continued, "Personal woes aside, this means I need to find a replacement commentator for tomorrow."

"Me? Why can't someone else do it?" Lily whined, thinking of how much work it is to keep up with all the different players and their moves. Sirius shrugged.

"Pete's got a horrible fear of public speaking. And Moony said he'd do it but he, well, he hasn't been feeling too great lately. So, you're next in line." Lily felt a flash of guilt run through her. Remus wasn't feeling well? She didn't even know this, since the two had barely spoken since their fight last week. She was sure his last transformation must've been rough, and felt horrible for putting her pride above her concern for her friend.

"You know, you could've asked me. Since I love Quidditch and all." Dorcas snarked, giving Sirius her usual glare.

"Certainly, except I don't want the whole stadium to go deaf from all your honking." Sirius replied.

"You dick." Dorcas snapped, with a little more venom than usual. Lily looked over at Sirius, who was giving her a weird smirk. Emmaline and Alice looked equally confused. Dorcas began to gather her things.

"Oh come on, don't take it so personally. You know I love you!" Sirius said, grinning.

"He _was_ just joking, Dora." Lily said, trying to calm down her friend. She put a hand on Dorcas's arm, but she pulled away.

"I'm going to bed." She said shortly. And with a flourish, she left.

"Nice going Sirius, do you have to torture her _every_ time you see her?" Alice asked. Sirius shrugged, giving the girls a devil-may-care smile.

"What's got her knickers in such a twist?" Lily mumbled, returning to her work. None of the girls noticed Dorcas take a sharp right on her path to bed and head up to the wrong dorm.

"Speaking of _knickers..."_ Emmaline waggled her eyebrows.

"Shut up!" Lily hissed, shoving her friend so hard Emmaline almost fell out of her chair. She'd told her and Alice about the incident with rounds yesterday morning and they'd teased her relentlessly. She didn't mention the almost-kiss, and for some reason couldn't pluck up the courage to tell Dorcas about it. Any of it really. She didn't know why, probably because Dorcas had always been very vocal about her dislike of James, and Lily was afraid she wouldn't take it well.

Sirius, who had seemed distracted, had perked up at the mention of knickers. "You referring to James's peep show the other night?" Lily gaped. Emmaline burst out laughing. Even Alice joined in. At least she had the decency to look a bit guilty about it.

"You three are absolutely awful." Lily complained.

Lily was tempted to ask him how much James talked about her, what he exactly said, if he'd mentioned their almost-kiss. But she stopped herself. There was no way Sirius wouldn't suspect her feelings for James if she so much as mentioned his black-haired friend. Internally, however, her mind was racing.

"Hey, I promise I'll never bring it up again." Sirius said, hands in surrender. Lily was about to thank him, but then grew suspicious.

"What's the catch?" She asked. Sirius grinned wolfishly.

"You HAVE to commentate for the game tomorrow. Lily groaned.

"Fine. But you better honor your word or I'll announce to the entire female population of Hogwarts that you wax your back nightly."

"Like they'd believe you." Sirius replied easily. "But I promise I'll keep my mouth shut." To demonstrate, he closed his mouth forcefully, zipped it shut, and sauntered away.

"Bloody prat." Lily mumbled as Emmaline continued to snicker.

James and Pete were on the other side of the room, Sirius strolling over to join them. James was in full Captain Mode, prodding a miniature Quiddtich stadium with his wand every now and again to run different plays. His brow was knit in concentration, which was undeniably adorable. Sirius whispered something in his ear, and he shot up, eyes looking right at her. Lily tried to avert her gaze, but it was too late.

"Daydreaming about me Evans?" He called over. Lily's mind raced for an explanation as to why she was staring.

"I was just wondering if Black was gonna pull out his mirror to document his walk back to you." She countered in a teasing voice.

"Smart-ass." Alice coughed behind her. Lily aimed a sharp kick under the table, but it hit Emmaline instead.

"OW!" She cried. "What was that for?" But Lily wasn't paying attention. She watched Sirius catch James's arm and whisper something in his ear. James turned red and smacked him. Lily wondered what they were saying to each other. Alice had been watching her.

" _Have_ you been thinking about him? James, that is." She asked. Lily sighed.

"Seems like the only thing I've been doing lately Al." Emmaline snapped her book shut. Lily looked up into her fierce brown eyes.

"Then do something about it! No more pining, Evans! Who's the Gryffindor here?"

"Not you, though you sure do spend a lot of time in our common room." Lily grumbled. In truth she felt that Emmaline was probably right, but it was terrifying.

"What if he rejects me?" Lily whispered, not wanting anyone to overhear. "Or worse, what if we date then he ends up chucking me after a week like all the other girls he's dated?" Alice actually laughed.

"Lily, you are _not_ like those other girls!" She said, putting her arm around her friend. Emmaline nodded sagely.

"You're Lily Fucking Evans. If anyone can do this, you can."

"Not to mention that James has asked you out over a hundred times, there's no way he'd reject you." Lily rolled her eyes.

"I'm pretty sure those were a for a joke, but thanks Alice." Alice and Emmaline shared an exasperated look at her words.

"Whatever. You know this has to be done." Emmaline said wisely. "It's like a bandage you have to rip off. Otherwise the wound starts festering."

"Right. That analogy makes me feel so much better." Lily said sarcastically.

"You know what we mean." Alice said, not letting her friend change the subject. Lily sighed.

"Alright! I get it. I'll ask him out." Even saying that out loud made her throat dry. Her two friends cheered. Lily looked over at the Maruaders' table. Both Sirius and James were gone now, leaving only a stressed-looking Peter to his books. Remus hadn't even made an appearance tonight. He was probably in the Hospital Wing Lily guessed, which made her feel doubly guilty. As soon as he was well she would have to find him. Lily bit her lip, and then thought back to the other day with James. The desire in his expression when they were so close still sent shivers up her arms and legs just thinking about it.

"What if we make a deal?" She asked her friends. Emmaline looked up interestingly.

"I'll ask Potter out tomorrow, but only if we win the game against Hufflepuff." The girls pondered this.

"I suppose that's fair." Emmaline tapped her chin with her quill. "Merlin knows James will be in a foul mood if Gryffindor loses." Alice frowned, but then held out her hand.

"It's a deal."

"Good." Lily said, shaking Alice's dainty hand. Things seemed to settle down after that. Lily tried to focus once more on her notes, but she knew in her heart there would be no chance of getting any more work done. Her nerves were going haywire at the thought of tomorrow. Not only was she commentating for the entire game, but she also had a lot riding on if Gryffindor won. The worst part was that she wasn't sure what she wanted, a victory or a defeat.


	7. Chapter 6: Bargaining Part II

**And I'm back! Sorry for the longer-than-usual hiatus between chapter updates. I have no excuse, really, other than school has literally been crushing my soul this semester. And finally, ya'll get to see if Gryffindor wins or not! I know there's been a lot of excitement over that detail. :)**

 **Anyway, enough of my rambles, enjoy the next chapter!**

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Stage Four: Bargaining

 _Part II-_

On Saturday morning Lily woke to a body tackling her.

"What the— umph!" She groaned as both Dorcas and Alice pile-dirved into her bed.

"Get your lazy arse up Evans, it's Quidditch time!" Dorcas yelled in her ear. Lily moaned, trying to throw her off, but she wouldn't budge. The girl was surprisingly strong.

"No way, this is payback for the floating alarm clock." She snickered. Alice watched their scuffle from safety at the end of the bed.

"Don't forget Lily, today's the _big_ day." She said suggestively as Lily successfully pinned Dorcas down and licked her cheek.

"Eugh! You're sick, you know that?" Dorcas complained, wiping saliva off on Lily's comforter. But Lily wasn't focused anymore. Alice's words reminded her in full force how important this day was. She felt nauseous.

"Right, Alice… Commentating, and…" She trailed. _Possibly asking out James Potter._ How did it come down to this? Really, a year ago, she would've had herself checked into St. Mungos for even considering doing what she was planning to do. Well, if Gryffindor won, that is. But part of her hated this anticipation even more. There was a lot riding on the game today, and it made her nerves go haywire.

"Gotcha!" Dorcas cried, using Lily's moment of hesitation to stick her spit-soaked finger in Lily's ear. She shrieked.

But, Lily thought in a moment of introspect, that probably wouldn't be the most unpleasent feeling she'd have to endure today.

Dorcas and Alice were already dressed properly, boasting Gryffindor attire from head to toe. Lily hastily threw on her Gryffindor sweater and socks, tying the ensemble together with a maroon and gold scarf that clashed magnificently with her hair. The girls then used the luxury of Lily's private bathroom to paint black streaks on either of their cheeks. Now that their house spirit was sufficient, they made their way down the stairs to breakfast. Lily did a quick survey of the Common Room. It was surprisingly quiet, the calm before the storm most likely. Lily knew there'd be a party if they won, and probably even if they lost. It's just how Gryffindors coped, it seemed.

Sirius was lounging on the couch, as if waiting for them. He flashed the girls his signature wolfish grin, grey eyes sparkling.

"There's my favorite commentator!" He called. Lily rolled her eyes, but her stomach clenched painfully.

"Oh, and Evans, I think someone's waiting for you outside." He added in a much less playful tone.

Right. Emmaline was probably livid that they weren't already down on the pitch getting front row seats. The girl was positively bonkers about Quidditch.

"If she wears all Ravenclaw stuff again I swear I'll shove that Eagle hat up her—" Lily faltered as Alice swung open the portrait hole.

Emmaline was there, waving eagerly, but she was off to the side of the corridor. The person standing front and center in anticipation was John.

"Hi Lily." He said timidly. Oh.

Lily sighed. "Give me a minute guys?" Alice nodded knowingly.

"Just so you know, this cuts in to your breakfast time." Dorcas warned over her shoulder as the three walked away.

Lily laughed softly, then turned back to John. He was dressed in Quidditch robes already. Lily had heard through the grape vine that he'd made Beater, but she hadn't actually talked to him since the disastrous trip to Hogsmede they'd taken a few weeks ago. He seemed undeniably nervous, which made _her_ nervous. Well, more nervous than she already was at least.

"What is it John?" She asked a bit tiredly. He fidgeted.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry." He blurted, looking instantly relieved. "I wanted you to know that how I acted a few weeks ago at Puddifoots... That's not me, Lily."

"Well I sure hope that wasn't you, because then you'd be a total wanker." Lily replied a bit stubbornly. She wasn't actually angry anymore. Sure, she'd been upset at the time, but she knew John didn't mean what he was saying then. His eyes widened.

"No, I mean... Merlin, Lily I'm sorry. I was just angry in the moment, and a bit hurt." He looked up, sheepish. Lily gave him a small smile.

"S'fine John, really. I understand." She put a reassuring hand on his arm, to make certain he knew she forgave him. Impulsively, because it felt good to have the loose ends in her life tied up, she pulled him into a hug.

"Good luck today." She whispered in his ear. "But obviously not as good of luck as Gryffindor."

"You too, Miss Commentator." He chuckled. Lily smiled and pulled back, but John's body was still close. So close, in fact, that Lily couldn't see the Gryffindor Quidditch team emerge from the portrait hole behind him, couldn't witness a black-haired boy take in at the sight of the pair together before hurrying away.

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"Alice, when did you know that Frank liked you?"

Frank, who was sitting on the other side of his girlfriend, choked on his tea. Lily giggled; he was always so shy when it came to relationship stuff. Alice frowned in thought.

"I guess at the end of Third Year. He offered to stay up all night with me until I figured out how to defeat a Boggart for the Defense exam." Alice snorted. "I figured someone who'd sacrifice an entire night's sleep during exams was either mental or fancied me."

"It took you _that_ long?" Frank interjected, mouth full of scrambled eggs. "I thought it was obvious when I near fell over the first time I saw you with your top unbuttoned a bit more than usual."

"What can I say? Fools, the two of us." Alice replied easily, ruffling her boyfriend's curly brown hair.

"You guys are too sweet." Dorcas deadpanned, snatching a sausage off of Frank's plate while he was busy giving Alice doe eyes.

"Why'dya ask Lils?" Mary asked. As Beth was on the team, she'd sat with Lily today. Lily tried to shrug noncommittally.

"The bloke's ready to turn against his entire house for her. Just made me think, you gotta be pretty dedicated to commit such a betrayal."

The group laughed. Frank was clad head to toe in Gryffindor (he claims his mother raised him a fan before he was sorted, but everyone knew it was for Alice). He was actually a Hufflepuff. He'd told the group that the entire team hadn't spoken to him all morning, and Lily saw some students shooting him mutinous looks from the Hufflepuff table. No one seemed to question her, but Lily couldn't help and steal a glance at the end of the table. James was lounging, not touching his food but not exuding an air of nerves like most of his other teammates. Beth's face looked green, and their brand new Seeker, little Peter Sloper, had run off to the bathroom for the third time that morning. But James didn't seem particularly _happy_ either. He had a dark, almost brooding expression on, one that Lily would've teased him relentlessly about for being so dramatic if it were under different circumstances. Something about it niggled her.

"Better not blow it for us, Potter!" She called over playfully. His gaze caught hers, sending the usual tingles through her body.

"Only if you promise not to drone on too long Evans." He shot back, but his voice was flat. Lily felt the smile drop off her face. She was sure James meant it in a teasing way, but the comment stung a bit. Everyone knew how nervous she was. Lily shook herself; she needed to get out of her head.

Part of her felt it would be better to just get it over with. The asking James out thing, that is. All this waiting and debating was driving her absolutely mental. Now she sat, analyzing every little thing James was doing, from winking at Beth to scratching his armpit. Why was she acting so daft? His hazel eyes met hers again and she tried to look as if she wasn't staring at him, but it was too late. Again, something felt off in the way he looked at her.

"Let's go down to the pitch." Lily announced abruptly. The group stared at her, as she was usually the one to opt for the cozy fire as long as possible before heading out to a match. As expected, Emmaline whooped at the proclamation.

"That's the spirit, let's go have ourselves some Quidditch!" She cheered, and the group filed out. Lily made herself look at the floor as she passed James's side of the table.

The walk down through the grounds was a blur. It seemed, the more nervous Lily got in anticipation for the match, the more time sped up. Suddenly the stands were half full, then she had to leave her group and make her way to the Commentator's booth. Then it was ten minutes to game time, and McGonagall was giving her instructions on how to properly go about her duties. It was like she was watching the professor from a tunnel.

"... And make sure not to let any announcements get personal. We have to maintain a strictly professional and unbiased standpoint." McGonagall finished.

"Ah, but where's the fun in that?" A new, rather loud voice made Lily jump, though it could also be from her nerves.

"Sirius, what're you doing up here?" She asked. He'd brought with him a comically large bag of popcorn, one that took up another whole seat.

"McGonagall suspended me from actually making announcements, but I can still sit up here for the time being." He grinned. Lily tried not to laugh.

"Only on the promise that there will be no more outbursts." McGonagall said, casting an irritated eye on Sirius, who was now crunching loudly. He raised his hands up in innocence.

"I make _one_ comment about how the Slytherin beaters should wrap their bats in barbed wire and stick them where the sun's not meant to shine, and-"

"You also told McNear he'd be better as a pasta strainer than a Keeper, Black." McGonagall snapped. "The Minister for Magic was watching." Sirius merely shrugged.

"To be fair, he _was_ letting all the Quaffels through. It was really more career advice than a heckle." Lily, who'd been watching McGonagall get more and more flustered, burst out laughing. But as she'd finally been able to relax a bit, attention was called to the field, where the players were walking out on the grass, brooms in hand. From their high vantage point, Lily could _just_ make out the untidy black hair and jersey with the number 11 on the back that belonged to James.

"It's showtime Evans." Sirius said into her ear, spraying bits of popcorn onto her back.

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"He-Hello?" Lily put her mouth up to the magically enhanced microphone, hearing the sound of her own voice boom in her ears. She winced.

"You're announcing a game, not answering the telephone." Sirius jibed behind her. Lily turned around.

"How d'you even know what a phone- oh bugger." Her voice was still being picked up. She heard hearty laughs run through the crowd. Weirdly enough, Lily giggled a bit with them.

"Hello everyone, and welcome to the first game of the season, Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff!" She called out. Cheers erupted.

"I'll be your commentator today. Let's get the game started then, shall we? Madame Ranier is blowing the whistle... and..." Lily squinted to the grass below to see the figures mount their brooms and shoot into the air. "...They're off!"

It was chaotic at first. With the blurs of red and yellow zooming through the air, Lily's eyes had difficulty keeping with the different players and their moves.

"The Quaffle's caught by Smith... No, Darcy? Oh! Now it's passed to Beaumont and he's doing a loop thingy over to... He throws! But it's blocked by Beth!" Lily cheered, and saw a meaningful side-eyed glance from McGonagall. She cleared her throat. "That's Gryffindor Keeper Beth Caliban, she's been on the team for two years. Or three? I can't remember... Now James, er, Potter has the Quaffle and he's passing it, no, that was a fake-out. But there's the Beaters trying to keep him in line..."

She was floundering and she knew it. "Just pick a ball and follow one." Sirius whispered, "Then pick a player and follow them when there's a lull." It was actually very nice advice.

"Right. Potter tosses the Quaffle to Atwood, back to Potter to avoid those Bludgers, now Potter... Scores!" Lily grinned, as McGonagall clicked the ten point mark down on Gryffindor's board.

Her eyes couldn't help but follow James for a while, and she had to say, he was really incredible on a broom. It was like he was meant to live in the air, but he'd been given legs instead of wings on accident. And his hair... Was just...

"Gorgeous" Lily said softly, smiling. Then she realized Sirius was giving her a queer look. In fact, people around the stands were looking a bit bewildered as well. _Oh Merlin, everyone heard that didn't they?_

"Um... I mean, the _form_ of Gudgeon, the Huffelpuff Keeper, was absolutely _gorgeous_ as he blocked that last attempt to score." She clarified, and tried to keep her mind on the game. Gudgeon himself looked rather pleased at her comment and was flushed pink. He shot her a wave from atop his broom and titters ran through the crowd. Lily tried not to hide her face as Sirius guffawed behind her. Luckily (or _un_ luckily, depending on how you sliced it) he seemed to take quite a confidence boost from Lily's words and caught the next four goal attempts by Gryffindor Chasers. Lily saw James waving his hands at another teammate, noticeably frustrated.

"Annnd, another block." Lily said, trying not to sound too disappointed as Gryffindor missed their fifth attempt at scoring. "The score is now 90 to 30 with Huffelpuff in the lead."

And the game went on for a while. Lily was getting into the groove of commentating, but in the back of her head a fresh wave of anxiety was threatening to overtake her with every move of the players. When James _finally_ scored her heart soared, but then dropped in fear at the idea of what would come if they won.

"And the bargains-er, _Beaters_ take control of the scene..." Damn, why did she keep slipping up like that? Lily demanded her brain to focus, almost giving herself a headache from concentrating. Okay, now they were at the far side of the pitch, Atwood almost got a Bludger to the head, good on him for that dive, now the Quaffel's been stolen by Darcy and thrown... Beth blocks and James retrieves it... And the wind's blowing in his hair and his tongue is sort of sticking out of his mouth in concentration...

"Potter scores!" Lily calls, and then on impulse, "Go James!" Sirius gives her an approving glance at her words. James however, falters with his newly-caught Quaffel, almost dropping it. Lily gasps, insides whirring. Did her words have that effect on him, or was it just from the normal play of the game? But suddenly her attention was grabbed as the Seekers made a simultaneous dive from high above the stands.

"It seems Yancy and Sloper are on to something!" Lily cried, every eye watching their moves. There was a collective gasp as both Seekers took a sharp turn to the right, heading at break-neck speed toward the bleachers. _Come on Yancy, no come on Sloper! Please don't make me ask him out now... But please let us win! Oh my..._ Lily's brain was in a panic as she tried to decide who she wanted to win. But they broke off suddenly, both taking loops around the area in confusion. The Snitch, it appeared, was lost once more.

"Oh, bloody shame, but the game continu... _Merlin!"_ Lily cried. She had just enough time to catch in view a scene of James getting smacked by a Bludger. Dead fear was all she could feel. James was hit hard, square in the chest, and had sagged over the side of his broom. Lily's eyes searched wildly for the person responsible. It was Smith. The Huffelpuff Chaser had taken John's Beaters' bat and directly aimed the Bludger towards James at point-blank range.

"Smith, you lout!" Lily shouted, anger surging through her. "That's not even your bloody position!"

"Miss Evans..." McGonagall called sternly, but Lily barely heard her. Madame Ranier blew her whistle.

"Damn right that's a foul!" Lily said with enthusiasm. "Smith's jackassery has earned Gryffindor the shot at three free goals."

"Yeah! Now _that's_ commentating." Sirius said, clapping her on the back. Behind them McGonagall sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose in defeat. But Lily was only paying attention to James. He'd gotten some momentum back, and flew slowly away from the scene. But he was still wincing. All Lily wanted to do was to cradle him in her arms, make him feel better.

 _You're bloody mad for him._ This obvious truth walloped her with the intensity of a Bludger. And with that, she knew who she wanted to win.

"Another score to Gryffindor, rightfully earned!" She called cheerfully. "The two teams are left tied!" _Come on Gryffindor!_ She pleaded as the players zipped around, now with more earnest, as everyone felt the end of the game approaching soon. Lily abandoned her bipartisanship all-together, cheering when the Beaters got Smith back, booing when Huffelpuff scored. The maroon and gold section of the stands seemed to be loving her remarks as well.

And everything came to a head when a glint of gold caught Lily's eye. It flickered around the highest goalpost, followed shortly by Sloper. Yancy seemed not to notice until about five seconds after Sloper was off, and the Gryffindor boy had a considerable lead.

"This is it!" Lily shouted, the roar of the crowds surging in her ears.

"They go into a dive, Darcy gaining a bit..." She was at a loss for words now, only able to watch.

Darcy gained on Sloper, the two now neck and neck in their pursuit. They were flying straight down towards the ground, the Snitch only centimeters away from their finger tips...

"We're going to win, we're going to win, we're going to win..." She was chanting this to herself, almost unaware she was actually saying the words out loud. The two neared the ground, the Snitch was _right_ in Sloper's grasp... And he swerved up.

The crowd screamed as the outcome of the two Seekers' scuffle was revealed. Darcy was pumping her fists into the air, golden ball clenched tightly in her grasp. Sloper, who'd pulled up too early, looked devastated. Gryffindor... Lost?

The click of the score sounded next to her, as McGonagall had reached over to tally it. Indeed, the final numbers were 140 to 290... Lily scanned the field. James had landed, clutching his chest. The entire team was subsequently dismounting and walking off the field, downtrodden. Meanwhile the Hufflepuffs were in a dog-pile, shouting with exultation.

"I can't believe it..." Lily whispered. Sirius got up from next to her.

"Excuse me Evans, I have a date with a very tall glass of Ogden's." He said, grinning. But it didn't quite reach his eyes. Lily knew how very seriously the Marauders took Quidditch. She felt a flash of sympathy run through her for the whole team, but mainly for one Chaser in particular.

"Do you think James will be okay?" She asked Sirius, worried now about his emotions as well as his chest injury. Sirius shrugged.

"Nothing a night of drinking your sorrows away couldn't fix. Unless you're offering him up a good shag, that'd be sure to lift his spirits."

Lily smacked him on the arm. "Prat." She muttered. She watched him go, as well as others around her begin to filter out of the stands. His comment (annoyingly) made her stomach flutter, but she wondered if there _was_ something she could do to lift James's spirits. What if she asked him out anyway, bargain with Alice be damned? Not only would she be _done_ with all this wishy-washy wondering about his feelings, if he said 'yes' the night would take a turn from disappointing to wonderful in a heartbeat. Really, was there a better time?

"To hell with that bargain." Lily muttered, standing up and stretching her legs, a clear goal in mind: find James.

xx xx xx x xx xx x xx x x xx x x

Lily's sneakers echoed against the stone hallways. Everyone was down by the pitch, but she was certain James, though pig-headed at times, was sensible to go straight to the Hospital Wing for his chest injury... Hopefully. Otherwise she'd look like a bloody fool. Not that she cared much, as long as she found him. She _had_ to find James, before her momentum was gone, before she chickened out once more.

To be honest, she felt a mess. Her emotions were a hurricane of desperation and urgency. She was simultaneously disappointed about the loss, nervous about James's reaction towards it, and terrified that he'd laugh in her face when she finally confessed her feelings. Or worse, never want to speak to her again. Was it bad luck to tempt fate by asking him out anyway, even when the bargain she'd made with Alice hadn't came through? That was silly, she knew. But crushes make one think silly things sometimes. Lily tried to swallow her feelings into her gut as she neared the room. She turned the corner in a whirlwind and entered the wing.

"Ja-?" There was only one bed occupied, and the hangings were shut. Lily faltered before tearing them open. It wasn't James laying there adorned with bandages, but another one of her friends.

"Remus!" Lily said, surprised. He looked up at her with bloodshot eyes. Remus looked terrible, a fresh and jagged scar running across the side of his face, splitting of of his eyebrows in two. His skin was even paler than normal, and he had massive bags under his eyes.

"Expecting someone else?" He asked hoarsely. Lily looked away, feeling terrible. She felt a cold hand on her arm and met Remus's amber eyes.

"It;s okay Lily, I know I'm not who you wanted to see right now." He said, eyes boring into her.

"Remus, I—" Lily choked. Suddenly she was overcome with emotion. A rapidly-forming lump in her throat was blocking her ability to speak.

"No." Remus said firmly, shaking her. "Don't say you're sorry. You were absolutely right the other night."

"But I yelled at you. I was a horrible friend." Lily whispered. "That wasn't fair of me."

Remus shrugged. "You had a lot on your mind. I understand." Lily looked at him, such a beautiful person inside and out.

"I wish you didn't have to go through this." She said softly, running a careful finger on his new scar. Remus grimaced a bit.

"I think the same thing about every month." He said a bit sarcastically. Lily laughed.

"I'm sorry." She said. "That was thick of me." Suddenly, she was overcome with affection for her friend. She bent down by Remus's bed, enfolding him in a gigantic hug. All she could think was how thin his body felt against hers.

"I love you, you know." She said seriously. Remus chuckled.

"Don't let James hear you saying that." A jolt of electricity ran through Lily, but she waved him off.

"I don't think Potter cares one way of the other." She muttered. Remus looked at her again with the same piercing look.

"Lily, remember when you first figured out my secret?" He asked. Lily nodded. It had been the end of Fourth Year. Of course Severus was always up to his theories about Remus's odd disappearances then, but Lily always ignored him, thinking he was just trying to find a way to demonize her friend. She _did_ know that Remus was hiding something, but that was just because she knew him so well. She figured it was a family matter, and waited for him to reveal it to her himself. Then that summer, Lily had found out that her and Remus had become Prefects. After he didn't return her letters she demanded that Petunia take her to his house in the country. Of course when she got in, the full moon was ready to make an appearance in a matter of hours. Lily met Remus's perfectly healthy-looking mother, and was told to leave immediately. She had told Lily that Remus was over at Sirius's, but Lily knew.

"You said you always knew I'd had a secret, just from looking at me." Remus said, and Lily nodded again.

"But you have a terrible poker face." She pointed out. Remus chuckled.

"That may be true, but Lily. You've never kept anything from me. How do I know that? Because you've never acted like this before." He gestured around. Lily felt guilty once more. Of course Remus would realize something was up eventually.

"It's that obvious, is it?" She asked ruefully. Remus nodded, eyes wide. Lily sighed.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Remus said quickly. "I just thought…"

"No. I do want to tell you. You're a friend." Lily said firmly. "It's just hard. I've barely even been able to tell Alice and Emmaline."

"Not Dorcas?" Remus asked. Lily bit her lip, shaking her head. Remus whistled lowly.

"Must be some secret." He said.

"I think you've already figured it out anyway..." She blushed, scuffing her feet. Remus was sharp, he had probably suspected her newfound feelings since weeks ago by the Lake. To confirm this, he nodded. There was a pause, but at length Remus spoke.

"James is complicated Lily, but there's a fact I'm certain of: he cares for you." This was true. Lily knew James cared for her, but was the way he felt for her the same?

xx x xx x xxx

Lily had left Remus's side only after he _insisted_ things were right between them once more. He had given her one of his chocolates that his mum had sent him, and told her to have courage. So Lily was now left with his advice and sweets, tearing down to the pitch once more. She only hoped James was still down there and not already getting shitfaced at what will presumably be a very somber after-party. (No doubt laden with alcohol-fueled rage at the loss.) She didn't want to try to express her feelings when James was under the influence of drink _or_ the emotions of all the other downtrodden Gryffindors. No, she needed to see him before all that mess, preferably alone as well.

Lily sped past the other students, only a few stragglers from the game left outside. Some called out to her, congratulating her for her successful commentating that day. She'd flash them a smile, but give no opening for conversation that could only further delay what she was aiming to do.

"Lily?" It was Peter, strolling back with an armful of Quidditch gear. The pile of sweaty clothes and padding went past the boy's head, but he still waved jovially at her approach.

"Pete, what're you doing?" She asked. Pete looked a bit put out.

"Oh, James wanted me to help, but now he's dawdling and leaving me to do all th-"

"James? Where is he?" Lily demanded, almost startling Peter with her urgency.

"Still in the locker room I suppose." He said irritably. Lily was already speeding away.

"Thanks Peter!" She called over her shoulder.

"Tell him Wormtail says he's a git!" Peter shouted back, voice being carried in the wind.

Lily ran to the locker room on the far side of the pitch, hoping James wasn't showering or something. She took a breath, remembering Remus's words of encouragement, and went in.

The locker room was quite dark. There was only one torch still lit in the place, and it was on the far side of the room. Lily's eyes couldn't detect anything, but her ears were beginning to pick up whispers.

"Keep your voice down!" There was a soft shout, and she turned the corner to find the two people she'd never expect to have a conversation together: James and Dorcas.

Lily frowned, and kept in the darkness. James was still in his muddy Quidditch gear, running his hand through his hair agitatedly. Dorcas looked grumpy, but from Lily's experience with Dorcas, it seemed to be the 'I'm dramatic but secretly enjoying your presence' kind of grumpy, rather than the 'You better leave before the claws come out' kind. Lily couldn't hear what they were saying to each other, (James was a notorious mumbler and the two were whispering), but James looked like he was pleading with her. She didn't dare get any closer to them, as they'd see her and know that she was eavesdropping on their obviously private conversation.

What was Dorcas doing with the boy she claimed to hate? Lily couldn't think of one time her friend had had a willing and civil conversation with James before. In fact, out of all of her friends, Dorcas had been the only one to oppose her new friendship with James. She watched in confusion as they kept up their discussion, James smiling sheepishly and Dorcas frowning. It seemed as if James was trying to butter her up, or something. Maybe he was _flirting?_ Lily hoped to Merlin not.

Finally, Dorcas's frown turned into a smile. She sighed dramatically at James, and said "Okaaaay."

"Yes!" James cried, and to Lily's utter shock, he picked Dorcas up into a hug, spinning her around. Dorcas didn't seem thrilled about this, but she didn't object. In fact, she was still smiling.

What the bloody hell was going on? Could it be...? Lily felt sick, mind racing. Her confidence was steadily slipping away. She couldn't be here anymore.

And without detection, she slipped out of the locker room.


	8. Chapter 7: The Unexpected Stage

**Hi guys! So this chapter took a LOT of writing and rewriting before I got it to what I wanted it to be. Which partially explains the extensive time period between updates. But also, I'm busy. Sorry!**

 **Anyways, I've gotten some reviews saying people would want to check my chapters for spelling errors and whatever, to which I say, totally! If you're actually serious about this, message me. I'm pretty new to FF, and I don't really know how betas and the like work... So let me know!** **I hope you guys like the next chapter!**

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The Unexpected Stage:

Lily walked through the halls quietly, as if afraid to make noise. She didn't want to dwell on what she'd just seen, or how completely odd it was, but she couldn't help it. The main reason she was upset however, was because she knew she was chickening out. _Again._ She could've just waited till James was done and talked to him, she could've asked the two what they were up to, or she could've at _least_ told Dorcas, her best friend, that she fancied James for weeks and maybe this whole debacle could've been avoided. Not that there was a definite debacle... But Dorcas hated James! Lily remembered all the times they used to go on tirades about him together before this year. As far as she knew, her friend's sentiments on Potter hadn't changed. But if they hadn't changed, why would she be having a civil, borderline _friendly_ conversation? And why would she let James hug her?

" _Fuck_ me." She muttered in frustration.

"Now that's a rather rude suggestion." An old wizard in the portrait next to her grumbled.

Lily bit back an angry retort. Stewing on it was getting her nowhere. Really what she needed was to find Dorcas ask her about everything, and hope that her worst fears aren't confirmed. Even if Dorcas revealed that James wasn't interested, (Lily didn't even want to _think_ about that, but it was becoming a very real possibility), Lily would deal. She'd be honest with her friend, and, no matter how painful or awkward it could be, with James. No more secrets, no more dancing around her feelings. Lily was done.

She got into the Common Room, preparing to go straight to the girls' dorm to wait for Dorcas, when her plans were derailed. Her ears were assaulted with a slamming bass beat, and she was greeted with the overpowering scent of alcohol as soon she stepped through the portrait hole. Blinking, Lily took in the havoc around her. Clusters of Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs milled about. All of the sofas were pushed to the side of the room, creating a dance floor in the center. Tables were set up next to the staircases, laden with firewhiskey and elvish wine. And an honest-to-Merlin _barrel_ of butterbeer was sitting next to them. It was a party. A big one.

"Let me guess who's responsible for this." Lily muttered sarcastically, walking through throngs of people. She found the culprit in the middle of the floor, shirtless and dancing with mad abandon: Sirius Black.

"Evans!" He roared, taking her in and spinning her. He was uncoordinated, meaning probably drunk, meaning Lily basically had to hold him up as he spun her in a lazy circle.

"Leave it to you to turn a Gryffindor loss into a _party."_ She shouted in reply, as the music was deafening.

Sirius grinned sloppily and said something indiscernible. He then dropped to the floor, trying to do some form of The Worm, and completely failing. Lily giggled through her hand and made herself comfortable on one of the sofas. It would be a while before this party died down.

Lily decided to wait in the Common Room for Dorcas, as it was unlikely she'd go straight up to the dorm with all this activity. She watched from her perch as the drunken melee continued, hoping no one would get too crazy and she'd have to intervene. She wondered why the Hufflepuffs came instead of having their own party, though little hard feelings seemed to be shared from either team. Peter made a bit of small talk with her, before Sirius dragged him off to chat with some girls ("I'm serious ladies he _is_ the long lost decedent of Merlin!") Alice was there, but she seemed, er, _busy._ Lily didn't even get a chance to chat at all, the girl was practically glued by the lips to Frank. She didn't see Em or Marlene, but really Lily was waiting for one person...

The portrait hole swung open. It was Dorcas, who was taking in the party. To Lily's confusion, she seemed to grow angrier at the crowd. Dorcas didn't necessarily _like_ people, but she never seemed to mind parties in the past...

"Evans." A curt greeting emitted behind her, startling her out of her thoughts. Lily swung around to see, much to her surprise, Regulus Black. _What's Sirius's brother doing here?_ She wondered. Behind him was a small group of underclassmen Slytherins, looking as if this was the first party they've ever been to.

"Alright, Regulus?" She greeted, still a bit confused. Sure, Regulus made prefect this year and she'd talk to him once and a while at meetings, but their relationship was very formal.

"My idiot brother wanted me to give you this." He said with a bit of disdain, holding up a bottle of butterbeer.

For a second, Lily frowned. She'd thought Sirius and his brother didn't get on very well. Although, her and Petunia sure didn't get along, and sometimes she still at least _tried_ with her sister. Maybe the brothers were attempting to mend fences. She looked at Regulus and smiled.

"Of _course_ Sirius wants me to drink." Lily joked, taking the bottle from Regulus's grasp. Regulus mumbled something along the lines of _see you later_ and headed back to his little group. She pondered for a second about him, before she spotted a head of short brown curls bobbing through the crowd.

"Dorcas!" She called. Her friend was now regarding Black and his gaggle of girls with a face akin to if she'd just stepped in dog poo.

"Not in the mood." Dorcas snapped, probably thinking Lily was another drunken idiot. Lily fought through the crowd and grabbed her friend's arm. Dorcas turned around, a snarl on her face.

"Take your hand off or I'll break i- oh. It's you."

Lily nodded and smiled hesitantly. Though she had no reason to be, Lily was suddenly afraid that Dorcas was angry with her.

"Can we talk?" She asked, jerking her head towards the portrait hole. Dorcas's face was rigid, but she nodded. Lily led her friend with purpose towards the door, not even bothering to snap at a wildly dancing Dennis Kettleburn when she had several toes stepped on. Normally, Lily would probably be happy to stay at the party, watching over it to make sure no one got too crazy, and reveling in the sight of Dorcas trying to outdrink the boys. And normally Em would be around too, which was a bit odd that she wasn't... Lily couldn't think of any of this till _after_ she talked to Dorcas. However, the one person who _could_ derail her intentions had just blocked Lily's way out of the door.

And he wasn't wearing a shirt. Of course it was probably because his chest was all bandaged up, and he didn't want to further irritate his wound... But come _on!_ It was like he was trying to torture her. Lily stood flummoxed, probably looking like an idiot. She didn't notice Dorcas's hand slip out of hers and bump past the two on her way out.

"Alright Evans?" Lily closed her mouth, which was agape at James's (shirtless) presence. He seemed amused by her antics.

"Hey." She said softly. James gave her a stunning smile.

"Good commentating." He said loudly, nudging her with his elbow. Lily snapped out of her trance.

"Good Chasing." She replied, "Though it's a real shame you didn't win. It would've been nice to commentate for a winning game."

"Hey! You're supposed to be unbiased anyway." He said, not offended at all by Lily's joke. Internally, Lily sighed happily. She loved their banter.

"Even though you lost, I _do_ hope your chest is okay." She murmured, running a finger over his bandages before her mind could stop her. James jerked back a bit, and Lily felt embarrassment surge through her. Why couldn't she control herself around him?

"Oh, bugger, I'm..."

"'S Okay." James said quickly, lopsided grin returning. "I've had worse. Did I ever tell you about the time Sirius dared me to smack a centaur's hindquarters?"

Lily giggled. "No, you'll have to share sometime. But for now-" Dorcas was already out of the door, probably waiting for Lily on the other side.

"I gotta go." She finished quickly.

"Okay, but Evans I really need to talk-"

"Later, alright?" Lily called back, "Just enjoy the party and I'll be back before you even know it."

James sighed in fake disappointment. "Okayyy." He said, "I _suppose_ I could help Sirius drain that barrel of butterbeer. If I _have_ to."

Lily lifted her own butterbeer in agreement, casually taking a sip.

"Cheers" She smiled at James before hastily exiting the Common Room. She tried not to think about how absolutely heart-stopping he looked tonight. Even if he was covered in sweat and probably stunk to high heaven from playing Quidditch all afternoon.

Dorcas wasn't outside the portrait hole anymore. Lily stepped out and looked around in confusion, eyes landing on her retreating figure a rather far way down the hall. Her smile vanished.

"Hey- Wait!" Lily called, running to catch up.

"Oh, no, I shan't keep you." Dorcas called over her shoulder nastily "How dare my presence get in the middle of you throwing yourself at Potter?"

Lily's stomach hurt.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked. Dorcas spun around.

"Just calling it like I see it." She snapped. "And right now, I see you falling all over yourself for Potter's attention."

Lily stopped in her tracks, taken aback. Dorcas's words stung, and brought all Lily's insecurities up to the surface. Not to mention that it was very clear Dorcas was angry now, though at what Lily didn't have the foggiest.

"What crawled up you arse and died?" She said angrily, hoping to revoke a reaction. Dorcas's scowl deepened.

"Potter told me you kissed him." Lily froze. She felt like she might throw up.

Dorcas continued. " _That's_ what crawled up my arse and died. The fact that my supposedly 'best friend' hasn't told me shit about her newfound love for the boy she'd claimed to _hate_ until just recently."

The awful thing was, half of Lily's brain was solely focused on figuring out exactly what James said about her.

"Wh-what..." She couldn't form words to save her life. Something was _very wrong._

"Cat got your tongue now?" Dorcas asked, voice raising with anger. In fact, Lily saw tears in her eyes. Lily couldn't remember a time she'd seen Dorcas cry, not even when the Whomping Willow broke her arm in second year or when she found out her uncle and aunt were killed.

"Something else is wrong." She said. Dorcas laughed tonelessly and rolled her eyes, but Lily knew she was right. And suddenly she couldn't take it anymore _._

"Don't you act all high and mighty when you've been dodging me about your secret boyfriend for _months!"_ Lily cried. She felt feverish, and undeniably sick, but she couldn't be more angry. Dorcas flinched.

"And just because I have actual _emotions_ for a bloke doesn't mean I'm 'falling all over myself'. You just can't handle the fact that..."

Lily gasped as pain erupted from her middle. She doubled over, confusion and fear mounting. Dorcas, who had turned her back on Lily in apparent fury, hadn't noticed.

"Oh so you're saying I'm heartless? Not a year ago you'd set Potter's hair on fire for even _looking_ at you wrong! The guy you apparently have been snogging now, not to my knowledge!"

Lily couldn't focus. She looked at her hands, and gasped. Her veins were protruding from her skin like some horror scene, and her blood appeared to be running black. It reminded her of when Professor Slughorn demonstrated the transformation one goes through when they take Polyjuice Potion. Only Lily wasn't transforming, and she hadn't drank anything...

"My blood is boiling." She moaned, pain surging through her body.

"Yeah, I'm pretty pissed off myself." Dorcas muttered, still unaware.

Black dots were dancing in her vision. She was on the floor now, limbs writhing. Lily screamed, and Dorcas whipped around.

" _Jesus!"_ She cried, all anger deserting her tone.

 _"Someone help!"_

 _Her calls were getting fainter and fainter, or maybe Lily was just blacking out. She saw her friend's legs running away, and more figures coming towards her, but they appeared to be at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. It felt as if pins were in her hands, and something was ripping her open from the inside out._

 _Then Lily couldn't feel anything anymore._

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She slept dreamlessly.

When Lily surfaced back to consciousness, the first thing she noticed was snoring. Someone, a loud bugger too, was sawing logs next to her. But she had her own room now, why would someone be next to her...?

Lily's eyes opened, and she stared around blearily. She was in the Hospital Wing, not any cavern or pit of spikes. Her body was wrapped in the sterile white sheets of a hospital bed, and her arse was freezing from the gown. It looked like nighttime, as the whole room was darkened considerably. Still, she could make out a snoozing figure next to her, slumped over in a chair. Lily couldn't help but smile a bit (even though she shouldn't well be happy, she was in the _hospital_ for Merlin's sakes.)She was pretty sure who that outline belonged to.

"Potter?" She called into the darkness. The figure gave a sharp gasping snore, jerking upwards at Lily's voice.

"Wazzamatter?" He asked groggily.

"It's me." Lily whispered, waving her hand a little. James seemed to snap to attention.

"Oh thank _M_ _erlin_ Lils, you're awake." He said, voice full of relief.

"What am I doing here?" Lily asked. She vaguely remembered the party, her and Dorcas fighting...

"Your butterbeer, something was slipped in it." James said, voice strangled and low. He mumbled _lumos,_ and suddenly the room was filled with pale light. Lily could now completely make out his face, wand-light reflecting off his glasses. He looked lethal.

"Well, shit." Was all Lily could think to say. She had _not_ been expecting that.

"It had to be Flint and those Slytherins." James said, hands shaking. It made the wand-light dance around the room. Lily's groggy mind was a bit slower to connect the dots. _Of course._ Regulus had been instructed by Flint and Goyle and the rest of those blood supremacists. Didn't Remus warn her that they would retaliate? She'd nearly forgotten all about that.

"I'm an idiot." She muttered. Why had she so openly trusted Regulus? Why hadn't she been more alert for their revenge? She'd been too busy getting into fights with her best friends, and chasing after a boy.

"Hey, stop that." James said, tentatively putting a hand up to her cheek. Lily shivered a bit. His hand was rough and warm. She pressed her face against it, feeling great comfort in his touch, until she also registered pain.

"James... my arms." Lily was examining the exposed skin that her hospital gown didn't cover. The black trails on her skin, presumably where her veins were under it, remained. She tried to glimpse her face in the window's reflection and decided against it, as she probably looked like a monster. And, now that Lily was more aware, she felt a distinct painful prickling all over her body. Tears pressed against her eyes. What if there wasn't an antidote?

As if reading her mind, James spoke. "Madame Pomfrey's fixing up a potion for you. I guess some Third Years found the book they used thrown in the bins of the bathrooms by the dungeons. She and Slughorn have been working all night, and gave you some pain relievers for now."

Lily swallowed, trying to take it all in.

"Where's everyone else?" She asked, suddenly scared they'd do something drastic.

"In bed, I s'pose. They were all here for a bit, but I snuck back in after Pomfery shooed us away." He motioned to the Invisibility cloak next to his feet.

"And they're not going to take bloody revenge on Flint and them, right? Because I know your friends get crazy ideas-"

"Don't worry, Lily." James whispered, scooting a bit closer. His chair scraped noisily on the floor. Lily, involuntarily, leaned into him. Her forehead hit him awkwardly in the chest, before they repositioned. Then it felt as if she was sinking in to him.

Lily would normally feel nervous, maybe embarrassed, at being so vulnerable. But she _needed_ someone right now to hold her, to tell her it would all be okay even if they both knew this wasn't true. She needed James.

"I have to tell you something." She whispered.

"Hmm." James's chest rumbled in her ear.

Lily sat up, a bit carefully, to look him full on. His eyes were so open and curious, hair tousled from sleep. It was the last time she'd look at him before everything changed.

"James since the start of school, all you've done is surprise me." She said. "Your kindness, dedication to Head Boy... Well I guess, you've grown up a lot."

"Not the same pig-headed toerag I used to be?" James asked, amusement lacing his voice, but he seemed to understand how serious Lily was.

"I used to think I hated you." She whispered, a bit shameful. "But, really, I just didn't know you. And now I think I do, and you're _wonderful._ You're funny without trying, you're thoughtful, and even when you're the cockiest bloke I've ever met it's doesn't annoy me."

James was quiet. Lily swallowed, mustering up some courage.

"Anyways, well, I've had a great time becoming your friend, a great time working with you. I'd never have guessed we'd be this close, but I'm really glad we are. And James, I want to be more than friends. I don't know if you feel the same, and honestly I don't care. Not in a mean way, it's just, I've got to get it out and tell you. Even if you run away screaming, it's better than agonizing anymore, better than behaving like a madwoman such as I've been doing the past few weeks..." Lily trailed. James's face was unreadable in the wandlight. Embarrassment flamed in Lily's gut.

"So, um, yeah." She finished awkwardly. "I'm mad about you."

James looked like he was going to speak. He opened and closed his mouth a couple times, like a gulping fish.

"I can't tell if the silence is a good sign." Lily said, laughing purely out of nerves. And then James closed the space between them, careful not to damage Lily's already fragile body, and kissed her.

It felt like the kiss had been waiting for them. Lily was prickly and a bit woozy from the attack, but she didn't give a damn in that moment. It wasn't the longest kiss, or the deepest. It was soft, promising of more to come. But it was _James's_ lips, and they wanted Lily's. For now, she could be content with that.


	9. Chapter 8: Promises

**Wasn't the ending of last chapter adorable? Well, get ready, the story of these two little lovestruck idiots isn't over! And this is a loooong one too. :) Review!**

 _ Promises_

Lily didn't sleep until much later. Her and James talked for almost the rest of the night. He'd abandoned the chair to rest comfortably next to Lily in her creaky hospital bed, stroking her hair and making shadow puppets for her. Since he only had one hand free, they were terrible. Lily adored it. They kept the conversation light.

"You know, I'd never given up on you, not really." James murmured. "Even when you were saying I should jump off the Astronomy tower..."

"I suppose I was rather cruel sometimes, wasn't I?" Lily bit back regret.

"Nah, I deserved it. I was a moron for a while there." James shrugged, "I just never knew how to talk to you, you know? Every time I saw you I fell to pieces."

"Some of your stunts _were_ impressive." Lily conceded, "But I always thought you constantly asked me out as a joke or something."

James ran a hand through his hair.

"I suppose I wasn't that serious about it at first. But then, when I was chasing you, I began to learn a lot. About you, your temper and stubbornness, your lovely kindness..."

"I'm ignoring the fact that the first two descriptions of me were insults," Lily said dryly "How'd you figure out how to talk to me? What changed?"

"It's embarrassing."

She looked at him, and his ears were pink. It was rare for James Potter to be so flustered.

"Come on, tell me."

James sighed, "Okay. So my mum's always spoiled me beyond belief. You know, get me all the newest Quidditch gear, dote on me for getting good marks, turn a blind eye when letters from Dumbledore about me being a pranking genius would come to the house."

"That explains a lot about your ego."

"Exactly." James laughed. "Anyways, I know she loved me, it was right obvious on that. But, one day this summer, I just kind of woke up with a different thought in my head. _Was she proud of me?_ Had I done anything in my seventeen years of life to make my mum truly proud. And, really, I didn't know the answer."

"You're top of the class." Lily objected, "You're Head Boy."

"And that's what she said when I asked her. But it's more than good grades in school, isn't it? Dumbledore gave me this position as a challenge. I think he saw, somewhere deep down, that maybe I had potential to not be a wanker. So he figured he'd force the not-wanker part out of me."

"So that's it?" Lily asked.

"Well, I guess it had been a long time coming. Something I should've realized before I got Head Boy, before I'd asked my mum. I wanted to be a better person."

Lily smiled to herself. That was as good of a reason to change as any. And it wasn't as if James's whole personality shifted, he just plucked out the parts he liked, the loyalty, the leadership, and worked on them. Lily kissed him lightly on the temple.

James changed the subject.

"I'm sorry I didn't kiss you. That night on the Quidditch field." He whispered. Lily blinked in surprise.

"I, well, it's alright. Just made me bloody confused, is all."

"It's stupid, I know." James said. "Part of me was scared, and I wanted you to be sure about me. I'm not proud, but it felt kind of good to turn you down for once, after years of you doing it to me."

Oh. Lily didn't know what to say. "That's not a very kind thing to do."

"I know." James said quickly, "I regretted it almost immediately after. And then I got nervous, and worried, and I saw you with Huxely before the match."

"When I hugged him?" Lily asked dumbly. "James, you _can't_ be jealous-"

"I just thought maybe you'd changed your mind about him." James replied, "And now, it's stupid to even say I thought that, but I did. You're the girl I've been dreaming about for years, Evans. It can mess with a guy's head."

"I suppose we were both idiots." Lily agreed, laughing softly. And it was true. She'd done hurtful things to James, avoided him, slapped him, all because of her feelings as well.

James snorted. "After the match, I even asked Meadows for her help, I was so desperate. I think that's why she took pity on me long enough to listen instead of threatening to hex me like she normally does if I approach her."

So all the pieces were finally in place. Lily felt relief, but only briefly.

"We got into a horrible fight." She whispered. "Dorcas and I. I said some very cruel things. And James, she didn't know about us before that."

"Huh." He said after a beat, "Well, I'm sorry I told her first. I just thought, since the two of you were so close, she'd know."

There was a lump in Lily's throat. "She should have. But it's hard, you know, she thinks you're..."

"A toerag." James supplied, not seeming surprised at all by this information. Lily nodded.

"I suppose that's another girl I'll have to incessantly bother until I win her affections."

"Maybe don't try charming her water goblet into a flock of doves this time." Lily suggested, "I had feathers in my teeth for a week."

James kissed her once more at that, just a peck on the lips. Still, a touch as simple as that sent her thoughts spiraling. She had to stop herself from losing all sense and climbing on top of him right there. Not to mention, with her bulging black veins all over her body, she probably wasn't the most desirable or kiss-worthy at the moment. Lily examined her arm once more.

"I hope those wankers get expelled." She murmured, "But I highly doubt it. You know how Dumbledore is with second, third, fiftieth chances."

"No matter what, we'll take care of them." James said darkly. Lily looked at him, suddenly worried.

"James, you _know_ you can't do that." She said forcefully.

"Why not?" He snapped, "They'd bloody sure deserve some punishment."

"You're Head Boy!" Lily said, "And we can't start an all-out House war. More people could get hurt."

"Well I'm sure as hell not sitting idly by while those bastards terrorize the school." He shifted away from Lily, arms crossed. Lily wasn't surprised he wanted revenge, but his conviction alarmed her.

"You know I don't want to sit by either, James, and we won't. But retaliation isn't the answer. We have to work as Head Boy and Girl, keep the school safe. And what will the underclassmen think if we're doing exactly what they do?"

"We wouldn't be using Dark Magic. We wouldn't be racist fuckers. I don't care about getting in trouble, I won't let it go just because I want to save my own skin." James muttered, not looking at her. Lily swallowed hard. On the one hand, she agreed with him completely. But she knew the violence would only escalate if they attacked the Slytherins directly, and things could go from dangerous to deadly real quick.

"What if you did it for me?" She asked quietly. He looked at her. "What if you let it go because I asked you to."

James's eyes softened. "Lily..."

"No, James, please. I, I don't want you to get in trouble, I don't want you to get hurt. Or any of the other Marauders, since I'm guessing you've already talked to Sirius about this."

James cracked a guilty smile. "We may have discussed some tentative plans."

"And I get it, but before you jump to action, just listen to me, okay? I'm not saying don't fight back. I'm saying don't go _looking_ for a fight. If we see Flint or Mulciber or anyone harassing someone, you bet your arse we should defend them. But don't charge into the Slytherin common room full of piss and vinegar and give them a reason to come after us."

James was quiet, brooding. But, Lily saw his anger diminish reluctantly from his face. She put a hand on his cheek.

"In time, James. After we graduate we can fight. It'll be different."

He sighed bitterly. "I s'pose you're right Evans, as usual. Fine. If you wish, I promise not to retaliate." Lily smiled in relief and leaned over to peck him on the cheek. But James turned at the last second, and her lips found his instead. Warmth spread through her body instantly, and Lily hummed with satisfaction. His lips were soft and delicate on hers. She wanted to stay this way forever. Unfortunately, it would not be so.

"Potter!" A screech erupted from the other side of the room. The two jumped back, to se an enraged Madame Pomfrey holding a vial of what Lily supposed was her antidote. Lily felt mortified, but James took it in stride.

"Ah, morning Poppy!" James said with a broad smile. "Come to heal up Miss Evans, I see."

"You're here without permission... No visiting hours..." Madame Pomfrey seemed beside herself. It's no surprise, as James _did_ have a history of putting students in the wing due to his pranks over the years. Lily couldn't help but find the whole situation a bit amusing.

"I just needed to see your... er, _fresh_ face this morning!" James supplied. He'd stood, gathering his cloak into his bag quickly. Lily supposed he didn't want it taken away from him. He jumped out of the way as Pomfrey hurried over to Lily's side and began fussing over her.

"The nerve! Bothering a sick student... Get _out. Out,_ Potter!" She hissed.

"But don't they always say that love heals?"

" _Out!"_

James winked at Lily and waved, before a bedpan came hurtling at his head.

"Bye." Lily giggled as he legged it out of the room.

"Foolish boy." Pomfrey muttered, forcing Lily to lie down. She gave Lily the vial, instructing her to drink half now and half when she wakes up.

"Now for the love of Merlin, get some sleep." And Pomfrey, as quickly as she'd came, left. Lily was alone. She took a second to steal herself, before gagging down the disgusting potion and sinking into her pillows.

What a night.

xx xx xx xx xx x xxx xx xx xx x xxx x xx

"Psst. PSST!"

Lily groaned, wondering who could possibly have the gall to bother a sleeping sick person.

"Evans, you once woke up because Mary was swishing her wand 'too loud', I _know_ you can hear me."

Lily's eyes popped open to see Dorcas standing in front of her. She looked like she'd been pacing, and worrying at her lip.

"To be fair, it was like the girl was trying to conduct a bloody marching band." Lily said lightly, voice hoarse from sleep.

Dorcas cracked a small smile, before hurtling herself at Lily like a deranged niffler.

"Hey!" Lily called in muffled surprise, as now her friend was basically on top of her.

"I'm so sorry." Dorcas murmured. Lily instantly scooted to make room for her on the bed, and hugged her tightly.

"No Dora, _I'm_ the one who's sorry." She said. Dorcas looked at her.

"Stop, I was terrible."

"No, I should've told you-"

" _I_ should've told _you-_

"And the stuff with James, well-

"I don't care! Really."

They both stopped their rambling for a second, looking at each other and smiling sheepishly. Even though her friend was near crushing her stomach, it was as if an enormous weight had lifted from Lily's body.

"Can we never fight again?" She whispered. Dorcas scoffed.

"Two stubborn kids like us? That'll be impossible."

Lily sipped her cat-sick tasting potion, and the two talked for a bit about the attack. They examined her arms and legs, which weren't bulging with veins anymore, but one could still see black trails on Lily's skin. Apparently, Lily had gone down on the floor, writhing like, as Dorcas so lovingly put it 'an eel on cocaine'. But Lily could tell Dorcas was actually very worried, and she seemed rattled by what happened.

"If I was a second later to getting you to the hospital wing, or if I didn't catch you in time..."

"Don't think about it." Lily soothed. Dorcas shook her head.

"Flint's going to find a stump where his neck connects to his body that's for sure."

"Not you too!" Lily groaned, "I'd finally managed to talk Potter down. There will be _no_ homicide in my honor." Dorcas looked at her curiously.

"You've seen Potter?"

Lily bit her lip. "He snuck back in to see me last night. I, well I don't know if we're _together_ so to speak, but we're definitely..."

"Something." Dorcas supplied neutrally. Lily nodded.

"I just don't want that to make you upset, or any-"

"Lily." Dorcas cut her off. "I get it. You can't stop your feelings for a guy, no matter how much of a tosspot he is." She laughed when Lily looked about to object. "No, seriously Lils, it's okay. I just didn't want you to get hurt. Potter may have changed this year, but that doesn't erase the past."

Lily looked down at her hands, knowing this had a bit of truth to it. "I'll be careful." She promised.

"Good." Dorcas said. "Now, I have to tell _you_ something." Lily looked up, wondering what it could be. Her friend looked unsure, as if she wanted to get something out but couldn't. It gave off the impression that she was seriously constipated. Lily _would_ tell her that, but knowing how hard it was for Dorcas to open up, she waited.

"I'm sure now that you and Potter are together you'll find out eventually, and I'm sure Potter knows, since those mates can never hold a bloody secret, but it was Sirius." Her friend finally said. Lily stared at her stupidly.

"What was Sirius?"

"The secret boy. The one I'd been in Snogsville with." There was a beat of silence as Lily put it all together.

"Of course!" She smacked her forehead. "Ow."

Dorcas laughed quietly, but she looked rather sad. "See, now the only problem is I've apparently lost all common sense and actually developed _feelings_ for the wanker."

"Why don't you go for it?" Lily asked. Sirius wasn't attached, and though he could be a bit of a flirt, he'd had reasonable girlfriends in the past.

"He only sees me as a fling." Dorcas dismissed. Lily sensed she needed to drop it, and only made a small noise in the back of her throat. Inside, though, her mind was brewing. As soon as she saw Black she'd do some digging.

"I guess you really _can't_ stop your feelings for a guy, no matter how much of a tosspot he is." She murmured. Dorcas cracked a smile, but then looked at her watch.

"Bugger. McGonagall will have my hide. You know she's damn near a prison guard when it comes to punctuality."

"Go." Lily said, waving her off. "Before she verbally destroys you for being late."

Dorcas gave one last hug, before running off.

"Don't even _think_ of making me bring you your homework, Evans! You're not allowed to do school when you almost died the night before!" She called over her shoulder. Lily closed her mouth, as she was just about to ask.

X x xxx xx xxx xx xxx xx xx xxx xX

Lily figured it would be a quiet day, but it would not be so.

Of course, she had a slew of visitors. First, Frank and Alice, who were both talking a mile a minute in tandem about how worried they were. Remus came in with one of her comfiest sweaters, probably since Lily complained to Alice that the hospital wing was freezing. Sirius and Peter came in and played exploding snap with Lily on her break, but it ended when she singed her sweater and Madame Pomfery deemed the game too dangerous for Lily's condition. Mary and Beth gave her chocolates before Herbology, Severus _tried_ to talk to her, but Lily pretended to be asleep. The only absence was James, which made Lily a bit uneasy; though it was probably selfish, she'd expected him to come in at least a few times that day.

"He's probably too busy swooning over you to his mates." Emmaline said, mouth full of chocolate.

"Oh, stop it." Lily shoved her friend, who'd come after class and proceeded to stuff her face full of Lily's chocolate gifts. Lily felt partially uncomfortable, as she'd brought Marlene. Though the blonde showed no sign of being upset, Lily wasn't about to rant and rave about her and James getting together in front of a girl who, to Lily's knowledge, still had a crush on him. Of course, she _had_ to tell Emma about their night spent together in the Hospital Wing, but she did so briefly and in generalities. Still, Emmaline was clearly over the moon.

"So you haven't seen him today, then?" Lily asked curiously, "I mean you two have Ancient Runes together, don't you?"

"Didn't show." Emmaline said, picking at a hair absentmindedly. "You know, he's probably sleeping, since you two _spent the night_ together." She waggled her eyebrows.

"It wasn't like that!" Lily moaned, knowing that this was only the beginning of her friend's teasing. She couldn't help but smile a bit.

"Well, I'm really happy for you Lily." Marlene said suddenly. Lily looked at her.

"Y-you are?"

Marlene nodded. "Really, James and me were never meant. And now that you're with him, and we're friends, it'll be easier for me to let him go."

Lily smiled tentatively. "Alright."

The two left shortly after, Emmaline making kissy faces all the way, and Lily was alone for approximately five minutes before being visited by Professor Dumbledore.

"I'm glad to see your recovery is quick, Miss Evans." He greeted warmly. It was true, as Lily's skin was almost completely back to normal.

"Thank you Professor." She said, a bit awkwardly. It wasn't normal for her to have a private conversation with the headmaster. "Er, is there something you need?"

"No, no." He hummed, helping himself to one of her chocolate frogs. _You and Emmaline should get together_ Lily thought sarcastically.

"It is of a bit of a unpleasent matter, I'm afraid, that of the nature of your attack. And your attackers."

"It was Flint and Goyle sir, I'm positive. And Regulus was in on it, but they only used him so-" Dumbledore held up a hand to stop Lily's speech. She bit her tongue hard.

"I'm aware of your quarrels, and I'm also deeply inclined to believe you." He sighed, "However, the only evidence we found was the book in the bins and an abandoned cauldron thrown, out of fear I'd assume, behind Hagrid's hut. Therefore, it's impossible to pin the blame on any one student, however substantial the circumstances be."

"But, sir!"

"Innocent until proven guilty, Miss Evans. The younger Black, however, will be serving detention until the end of term." Dumbledore looked at her sympathetically over his half-moon glasses. Lily stopped herself from shouting a retort. Anger boiled in her gut, but she wasn't very surprised. In fact, she felt partially guilty, as Regulus was probably solely a pawn in all of this, and deserved the least amount of punishment out of the lot of them.

"I suppose if that's what you decide to do." She said dully, crossing her arms. Dumbledore sighed.

"It is. Though, I shall say, you took this news much more amicably than your partner."

Lily frowned. "Partner?" _Oh Merlin._ "James?"

Dumbledore nodded. He seemed to mean 'partner' solely in the professional way, aside from a tiny knowing twinkle in his eyes. Lily's gut twisted.

"Mr. Potter had been quite, shall we say, _persistent_ in convincing me of Flint and Goyle's guilt."

"Oh." Lily said in a small voice. She hoped James wasn't going to any extreme measures. He _had_ promised her, after all.

"Don't dwell on it." Dumbledore advised, "Focus on healing yourself, and in the meantime, I will have a serious talk with the professors on tightening security. For now, I will have to bid you farewell." With a slight bow, Dumbledore left Lily alone to her thoughts.

And she was alone for a long time after.

Longer than she had been that entire day. And the longer she went without a specific visitor's presence, the more she worried.

She watched darkness fall over the grounds from her hospital bed. The frigid winds of late autumn had made few students inclined to venture outside, and the only figures Lily had witnessed was that of Hagrid and Fang, the former tending to his garden and the latter chasing crows. The peacefulness of her view only made her inner strife more pronounced. James should've been here. She knew him, knew that he would do anything to protect his friends and those he cared for. Dumbledore had said he'd taken the Slytherin's punishment, or lack thereof, badly. The fact that he'd been absent all day, even as classes had ended, made Lily feel that there was something distinctly _wrong._ And all she had to do was sit in bed and eat chocolate and worry. It was driving Lily mad.

"I'm sure he'll come back dear." Madame Pomfrey's voice startled Lily out of her reverie. She was carrying dinner, and more vile potion, on a tray. Lily didn't bother to be embarrassed at her assumption, it was true after all.

"Has dinner been served downstairs as well?" Her voice was hoarse from not talking. Madame Pomfrey nodded.

"Finished up an hour ago. I saw you eating all that chocolate and-"

An explosion of voices filled the room. Lily nearly jumped out of her skin as the hospital wing doors flung open, unintelligible shouting following.

"Should have known much better than-"

"He was trying to protect-"

"YOU!"

Lily squinted in the semidarkness as one of the figures came hurtling towards her.

"Ah!" She shrieked as the warped face of Samuel Goyle came into focus. She didn't even have time to fumble for her wand before the boy grabbed the front of her dressing gown, pulling her up towards him. His face was covered in enormous red welts, open and weeping. One of his eyes was bloodied and the side of his head looked like the hair had been plucked off. That, coupled with his look of pure hatred, was terrifying.

"You think you can set your blood traitor boyfriend on us, huh?" He screamed. _No._ Lily blinked, but set her jaw.

"Goyle, if I'd wanted you dead I would've done it myself. We all know I'd come off better in a fight." She replied softly. Goyle gnashed his teeth before he was grabbed roughly and pulled off of her. It was Professor Slughorn, looking dazed and irritable. Lily saw that behind him, Professor McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey were arguing quietly to each other. Behind them still, looking unsure of himself, was Sirius Black.

"Now that's quite enough." He snapped. "Mr. Goyle, get yourself to a bed! Fifty points from Slytherin for threatening a student."

"The Mudblood was the one who started it!" Goyle cried, but, before he could say another word, Sirius grabbed his collar.

"Don't call her that, or I'll put you in a bed myself." He said lowly to Goyle, shoving him in the opposite direction of Lily.

"What's going on?" She called weakly, tears threatening. Though, she'd already pieced most of it together. _Where's James? Where's Flint?_

Slughorn gazed at Lily uncomfortably, seeming reluctant. Behind her, Sirius and Goyle were glaring at each other. McGonagall and Pomfrey were still in urgent discussion.

"I'm very sorry all of this grief has had to come on to you Miss Evans." He replied honestly, seeming to be attempting to apologize for more than just the night's events. He paused, blowing out and making his walrus mustache flutter.

"Professor Dumbledore is sorting out the worst of it. Potter and Flint are both upstairs currently. It seems Flint made some, er, _remarks,_ and Potter attacked him. They are upstairs with the Headmaster sorting out their punishments."

It was exactly as Lily had feared.

"There's more to it than that!" Sirius objected loudly, to which Slughorn seemed to grow more irritated.

"Black, you're lucky no one saw the jinxes you threw or you'd be right up there with those two."

"Enough." Madame Pomfrey called. The room grew quiet.

"This girl needs her rest. And as for the boy, I can sort out those boils in a heartbeat. The matter in question is if he should stay the night for monitoring."

 _He'll kill me in my sleep._ Lily gulped. McGonagall seemed to be thinking along the same lines.

"Because of the current circumstances Poppy, I'm ordering you to send Goyle back to Slytherin after he's been treated. I don't want this matter to turn even nastier than it has." Madame Pomfrey looked strongly opposed. "As for Mr. Potter and Mr. Flint-"

"Both will have points taken." Slughorn finished, nodding.

"James was just defending himself!" Sirius said angrily. It was quiet for the first time since their appearance. Lily felt numb.

"Mr. Black go back to your common room." Professor McGonagall said, seeming to just notice his presence.

"I'm here to protect Evans!" Sirius snarled, with a conviction that took Lily aback. McGonagall considered arguing for a moment, before rubbing her temples and sighing.

"Fine, you can stay until curfew. For the time being _all_ wands will be put into Madame Pomfrey's office. Poppy, I think you should come with me. The other two students involved will need attention."

"Is James okay?" Lily called, desperate. McGonagall looked her, expression softening.

"They both will be fine, Lily. Try to get some sleep."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Lily murmured to herself, almost hysterically, as she watched the two professors' retreating forms.

"You heard your Professor." Madame Pomfrey said, grabbing Lily and Goyle's wand off of each of their bed-stands. Sirius gave his up wordlessly, pulling up a chair towards Lily's bed and sitting. The matron went to her office briefly, returning with various bandages and poultices. With one last look around, she followed the other adults out of the wing, clicking the doors shut behind her.

"Prepare to die mudblood." Goyle's nasty voice rose from a few beds over.

"Shut up Goyle." Sirius snapped, rolling his eyes. He gave Lily a sheepish smile, one she met stoically.

"It wasn't all Pron- James's fault Lily." He murmured. Again, Lily gave no response.

"You know, James is more a brother to me than my own brother." He tried again.

Lily sighed. "I will only talk to you if we change the subject." Sirius gave her a salute.

"As m'lady wishes. What shall we discuss?"

Crazily enough, she felt a smirk play at her lips. It was kind of Sirius, coming to her in an obviously dark time. He could be surprisingly compassionate, when it came down to it. Even his defending of James...

"What happened between you and your brother?" Lily blurted, trying to steer her mind away from those thoughts. Her question had a much more visceral reaction on the boy than she'd expected. His eyes darkened, and he seemed to recoil back into himself. Lily bit her lip, fearing she'd been too personal.

"We don't have to talk about that, Sirius, I'm sorry." She said quickly.

"No, no. It's alright. I suppose you're close enough with our little group that you'd find out soon anyways." He tried to wave her off, but she could still see his mind working. Curiosity kept Lily quiet, anticipating his answer.

"I'm sure you've learned least a little about my family tree, right? Seeing as most of my cousins are like old Boil-face over there." He jerked a thumb at Goyle, who appeared to be sleeping. Lily nodded. Though she had a disadvantage growing up Muggle-born, over the years she'd come quite accustomed to the hierarchies that Pure-blood society kept, learning which ones were the most ancient, the most powerful, or the most malicious.

"So, needless to say, I'm a lot different than my family. My mother, insane hag, is obsessed with blood tradition and how the house of Black is the _superior,_ while my father, well, he's probably in deep with You-Know-Who if I'm being honest. Growing up, I didn't want any of it, I just didn't know what to do about that until I met Ja...was sorted into Gryffindor." He took a breath, watching Lily carefully.

"I'd always just assumed I'd be Slytherin, my whole family dating back centuries is. Becoming Gryffindor, meeting my friends, it liberated me, showed me there _was_ another option. I'm bloody lucky. Reg, well, he wasn't so. Once my Mum heard where I'd been sorted she set out to rid Regulus of any rebellious thoughts, filling his mind with pure-blood mania. The first two summers I came home she tried to 'save' me, but after numerous disagreements she just locked me in my room most of the time, resolving to keep Regulus away from such a bad influence. Once he was sorted to Slytherin, Mum and Dad were so proud. It was the final nail on the coffin in my eyes."

Lily flinched. She'd always heard that Sirius's home life was a mess, but this sounded horrible. She could see the ghost of those memories haunting Sirius's grey eyes.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered. Sirius shrugged.

"The only thing I wish I could've done was be there for him more. I was too wrapped up in my new friends and a chance at freedom. If I could do it over again, I'd have grabbed him and ran away the second I set foot back in that house the summer after my first year."

Lily nodded. "And I thought me and my sister were bad. Your parents sound... How do you bear it? Going back there?"

Sirius gave her a frown. "Don't you know? I ran away fifth year. James took me in, I've been living at the Potters when there's breaks."

"That's right." James had told her this during one of their patrols together. Thinking of her their late-night chats made her gut twist.

They talked for a while, about family. It was nice to have someone who could relate to her, as Emmaline was an only child and Alice loved her family to pieces. Dorcas didn't say it, but she was right there alongside of Alice.

In the meantime, Madame Pomfrey came back, grabbing their wands from her office. She lectured Sirius on not trying anything until he pretended to fall asleep from boredom. Then she took to attending to the snoozing Goyle.

"Face looked better that way if you asked me." Lily commented mildly. Sirius snickered.

The doors to the wing opened, shedding a slice of light right on to Sirius's face. The look in his eye made Lily know exactly who was entering.

Lily stared at her hands as footsteps neared. She didn't know what to say, do, or think.

"Make it out okay, Prongs?" Sirius asked lightly, probably trying to clear some tension. Lily glanced up for a second. James was standing before them with a hard expression on his face. Lily noticed a dull mark on his cheek, and bandages on his hands. She bit the inside of her cheek so hard she tasted blood, and faced her hands once more.

"Dumbledore's considering revoking my position as Head Boy." He replied stonily. Sirius grunted in indignation.

"Bloody unfair." He muttered, but James didn't reply. Lily felt his eyes boring holes into her head. She looked up to meet them, trying to appear resolved.

"Will you believe me if I said I did what I had to do?" He asked her, biting on every word.

"You promised." She replied softly.

James looked away, raking a hand through his hair. "Sometimes things are more important than that. Sometimes..."

"How can I trust you?" Lily asked to herself, tears stinging her eyes. All the worry of the day had finally revealed itself.

James was quiet for a long time, pacing and fidgeting with his hair.

"You know what? Maybe you can't."

And with that he strode out of the room, yanking open the Hospital Wing door with a squeal.

"You coming Padfoot?" His voice demanded, as Lily refused to look at him. Although, she couldn't stop her stupid tears from sliding down her cheeks. Next to her, Sirius shook his head almost sadly.

"Call me if you need anything Evans." He murmured. She felt something cool and heavy pressed against her arm, and found that it was one of James and Sirius's mirrors. For talking to each other when they had detention. Sirius walked slowly over to the door, as if torn. Once there, it slammed shut, leaving Lily in darkness once more.


End file.
